I am a different person. I realized that last night in a breathtaking kind of way. I used to lose sleep about everything. I used to panic about everything. In a group setting, (like a class or meeting) I used to think about what I was going to say for so long that I never actually said anything. I used to be scared to sing in front of anyone, even Tim and Jon. I worried about every move I made.
College has gotten me over so much of that. I have failed miserably at dancing, especially in workshops, in front of dozens of students and Broadway choreographers. I have messed up songs in front of many vocal coaches and students in other workshops. I have shaken in my shoes while trying to do a monologue in front of “the mean girl” who hounds me almost everyday now. I have messed up lines with the best of them. I have walked across the stage in a short, blood smeared, ripped up dress, with goth makeup and carrying a severed head. That was a real break through that was definitely life changing.
I have journaled about my father and the demons he put in my head. I have argued with those demons, tried to ignore them and even though they occasionally raise their ugly head, I have for the most part conquered them.
Last night, I walked out on stage and as I have been trained to do, I concentrated on the character and action on stage and for the most part didn’t notice there was an audience. Of course, this show is different in that people are laughing constantly- for some reason no one laughed when I had the head on a stick in my last play! But I was calm, just like I had been at school. The big test was ahead, though.
Singing has always been my Achilles heel. It was the thing my dad was most negative about and the thing I have the biggest complex about. It is the the main thing I went to school for and although I have fallen in love with doing straight plays and acting, singing was definitely my first love.
I will never think I am a “good” singer but at least now I am willing to try a little more. So last night, I took the stage to sing. And of course, who was in the front row, center seat? My father. And I thought for an instant, “What am I doing? What song am I singing? Run! Run!” But only for an instant. The music was going and I went for it. Maybe shakier than the night before in dress rehearsal (Tim said it was actually better. So nice to have your hubbie be your sound man!) But I sang, and for the most part didn’t freak out or second guess myself. I just did it and moved on. Whatever it was, it was.
I went out after the show because my dad waited to see me. He told me that he had taken my mother to the doctor that morning and gave me her report. He told me he had written a fabulous article and that he had mailed me a copy. He told me he had tried to convince my mother to come to see the show with him, but that she just didn’t think she could sit for that long. And I said, “Yes, this is a kind of long show.” And he said, “I didn’t feel like it was, it moved really quickly and was very funny.” And then he left.
He never told me I did a good job, he never said I sounded good, or was funny. He never commented on how far I had come. Most of his talk was about him and then he left. After The Bacchae he left with no comment and didn’t call for over a week and I cried. Before, everytime I got a comment that was the least bit negative from him or anyone, I cried for days. Not last night. For some reason I didn’t care. I had done my best for that night and that was all. But most of all, I had done it. I had gone on stage as a stern old hag of a clerk and a sweet littel shop owner and done my thing. I didn’t do it for praise or money or anything other than to tell a story and be an artist. I took one more step along my journey. And I don’t care what my Dad or the mean girl or anyone else has to say.
I would like it if someone enjoyed it along the way. I would like someone to pat me on the back, but it is not my main objective. I am not getting my self worth from outside of myself. And I feel great. I went to bed not second guessing every move I made last night or losing sleep while trying to think of everything I did wrong, like I used to do. (I did, however, lose sleep trying to learn lines from Three Sisters for class Thursday!)
So I have taken another very important step and I am proud of it. I am ready to continue and tonight I think I will enjoy the process even more. After I mess up in voice workshops I always want to get up and try again, I never get to because of time and because you rarely get a second chance in life. Tonight and tomorrow I get to do it all again and I plan to enjoy it! What a change- what a blast!
