“Not all who wander are lost.” I saw this saying on a phone case of a friend at school. I think it is something from Lord of The Rings (I am sure someone will set me straight if not.) I really liked it, I wrote the words down because I am a wanderer. You would not think that of me. I am so organized and precise and I always walk quickly and with purpose. I don’t do well with idle time and I want things done my way and done now! But in the big scheme of things, I am a wanderer.
I have never had a big life plan, I have gone with the flow and with “whims” for the most part. No- I do not just do things without giving them thought. I almost never just go when someone asks. I stop and think. But I am willing to at least think about it. I mean I don’t have a big overall plan. My mom never wanted to be anything but a wife and mom. She jumped into that plan the minute she saw the possibility. My dad decided as a child that he wanted to be a zoo director and went single-mindedly for that career. He became the youngest zoo director in the country when he took the job. I thought at the age of 5 that I would be an actress, but let that dream get crushed so I guess I just decided to “go with the flow from that point on.” Going with the flow is not always a great thing- really only dead fish go with the flow in a stream or river. The lives one often have to fight a current to get where they want to be, to find food or a mate.
I however, chose the path of least resistance most of the time. And I did many things that I wanted to do and some things I really didn’t want to do in the name of less controversy. When I went back to school I definitely did not take the easy way out! I had to quit many activities and organizations, I disrupted our lifestyle at home and I put myself so far outside of my comfort zone that it took me almost the entire three years to find my way back to any sense of comfort! But I felt more alive and “myself” than I ever had.
I never really had a plan though. Once again I felt that I would just fall into what I was “supposed” to do once I had the degree in my hand. When people asked what I was going to do with my diploma I usually told them I planned to hang it on the wall. It was my feeble attempt at humor and it kept me from having to have a definitive answer.
I watched my fellow graduates and students who are graduating next year talk about graduate school and internships. I felt left out, but knew I just could not go to graduate school and I feel kind of old for an internship. When I look at my job options I feel pretty sure I do not want a full time job. I enjoy my trips and time at home too much to tie myself down. I am not at all sure that teaching is my future as many have suggested. I have checked out a lot of the theatre opportunities in the area and I have begun to hear the old voices in my head telling me all of the reasons why I won’t be able to do each project. Much like I did with school I think I am just going to go to auditions and throw caution to the wind.
You would think at my age and after three years of working toward a goal that I would have thought of a plan, but I did not. So although I have several weddings to attend, trips to take and things I want to audition for, I still feel at loose ends. While writing this I think I figured out why. We are taught to have a plan. We are kind of “less than” if we don’t know where we are headed in life. We need a constant goal. I remember telling my son that as long as he was headed in the right direction everything would be OK. But who knows what the right direction is? With him I meant that he was staying away from drugs and that he was staying positive and working hard in school. Beyond that, what is the “right” direction?
Going from project to project, helping with a school play here or judging a competition there seems very flighty. And when people ask, what do you tell them you “do”? Float? Dabble? Maybe that is why actors were looked down on years ago- they never really have a permanent job- they go from one job to the next with no set plan of what might come up next or who might choose them for the next role. For a planner like me that seems hard to deal with, but if I really think about it that is what I have always done. I have taught preschool, managed a theatre, been a banker, and most recently been a student. In my own eyes that makes me scattered and flighty. Even though I have enjoyed each endeavor and I have done a really good job in each situation, I think of myself as a failure in the big game of life because I did not pick one thing and follow it to the top! But maybe I have actually won. I have done many different things with many different skills and I have had fun. I have met all sorts of people from businessmen and educators to hilarious kids and future leaders.
Although right now I am having withdrawal pains from not being super busy, I have to learn a little patience and how to relax. If things stay true to form I will be busy again soon, wandering on to my next adventure. And isn’t that the point- the suspense, the adventure, the excitement of the unknown. So just because I am wandering, I am not lost. I am just waiting, wondering where that wandering might lead next.
