I am so exhausted and so confused today that I almost think it would be best if I did not write this at all. I had to be at school this morning at 9:30 for a 10:00 workshop. That means I left the house a little before 8:30. I got home tonight around 9 and in between I went through a dance audition that made me cry twice and did make me ask the head of the theatre department if I should just leave before I embarrassed the whole university. It was way beyond my abilities and I knew almost immediately I was in over my head. At 12:10 we had a break to eat, change clothes and be ready to go again in a vocal and monologue audition. I ate a 100 calorie bag of Fig Newtons before cleaning up, changing clothes and redoing my make up.
I then went through this audition process which was considerably better than the dance portion but still made me extremely nervous. I then went to the office and typed up my lists for tonight and then studied for my theatre history test. I went back to a Q and A session with the workshop leader before running the box office for the play tonight. I came home by way of a salad from Chick-Fil-A.
I missed Homecoming at Alabama to do all of this which is disappointing. I gave up two tickets to a show I was really wanting to see last night to work at school. So I left a ton of money on the table this weekend in unused tickets, not to mention more time that my family had to do things without me. I am getting teary eyed more and more often about that.
But why am I doing all of this to myself and my family? The reason becomes more blurred with each passing day. The facilitator of this workshop was EXTREMELY kind to me. He let me off easy in the dance portion of the workshop and in the singing portion was complimentary. In the reading part he directed me some and was again complimentary but in a “that’s fine” kind of way. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled he did not blast me- I will forever be a fan of his because of how nice he was to me. Trust me, lots of these guys are anything but nice, but this guy really has a place in my heart for how gentle he treated me.
But it makes me think that I am not really progressing very much and why am I deserting my family day after day, even on the weekends, to pursue something that I probably am not cut out for? Even if I were, and let’s say I am, I am never going to New York to audition so again, why am I going to these workshops to learn to audition in New York?
After a day like today I have to question my whole life right now. I love these kids and most of them are super to me but I am always going to feel like I am not really supposed to be there I guess. And knowing what I still have ahead of me makes me want to hide in the bed sometimes.
When I was balancing the box office tonight, in walks Dr. C with the guy who was doing the workshop. Like I said I am now a life long fan of his. I was thrilled to get the opportunity to thank him for being so kind to me. I did and then said that I knew I was not up to par with the other talented kids he had seen during the day. I told him I appreciated the way he handled himself all day, especially with me. He said he enjoyed working with me and to keep working at it. He put down his bag and stuck his hand out. We shook hands and he winked at me before I wished him a safe trip and he headed out. I again wanted to cry.
Maybe I should not have said that to him but I have always tried to be honest with people and that is how I honestly felt.. If that is the worst thing I ever do I guess I am OK. I have said the wrong thing before and I am sure I will again. But I am glad I got to tell him what I thought. It doesn’t change the fact that I am still very confused and I still have a theatre history test on Monday. Life goes on.
