It is funny how things work out sometimes.
When I went back to college in 2010, I went hoping to gain some confidence in performing. I felt that I was a mediocre actor on a good day, a barely average singer on any day and, well, let’s just say I am not a dancer. However, my only goal was to get a BFA in musical theatre.
My professors tried to talk me into taking directing classes, which I begrudgingly did, or to think about being a teacher, which I had been in the past and didn’t really want to do again. I even had one professor tell me that I should transfer from the theatre department altogether and get a musical performance degree, which would have been fine except that he also told me in the same meeting that I wasn’t much of a singer! I put two and two together and knew he just wanted me to leave.
But this is not a blog post about perseverance and triumph against the odds. It is about how life takes twists and turns that you might miss if you don’t just keep plugging along, doing the best you can on any given day.
The longer I took my first dance classes at the age of 53, the more I wondered if I was on the right track. The more I heard the other students who could really sing, the more I doubted what I was doing. And when I was passed over for parts I felt that I was not only right for, but really the only person in the department suitable to do them, the more I felt that I was banging my head against a brick wall.
I enjoyed the directing classes (strangely I enjoyed all of the classes, even the ones where I cracked ribs trying to do hip hop) but most of my life I had never felt that I was a very creative person. Watching the other directing students do scenes from plays I didn’t even understand, and being so avant-garde in their work, I knew directing probably wasn’t for me. Only because my advisor kept pushing me to take those classes and because I just needed some filler to graduate in 3 years, I kept taking the classes- Directing One, Directing Two, Directing Three. I even did an internship directing at the high school level. I did it, but I wasn’t thrilled.
To audition for scholarships before I ever started school, I had worked on a bunch of songs and a monologue. I knew I would never get a scholarship but I wanted to meet the faculty and make my presence known before I actually started classes.
The play that the monologue came from still sits on the credenza behind my desk. It is a play that intrigues me and someday I hope I will get to do it. As time went on, I added another play to the stack- PROOF. It had no character I could play, but I wanted to have some part in a production someday.
Here it is all of these years later and I am mostly directing. (Thank goodness I got pushed to take those classes!) I never gained the confidence I had hoped for, but maybe I should have invested in a psychiatrist instead a college degree for that! I am still a mediocre actor, a barely average singer and I am not the most creative person on the block, but I do have a few skills that make me a decent director.
I am very organized. I know real talent when I see it and fakers when I have to endure them. Whatever I might be lacking, I know how to cast the people who can take up my slack. I can keep people motivated and on task. I can keep lots of balls in the air at the same time. I can bring things in on time. I know what a particular audience will buy into. Although I try to push the audience a little further than they think they want to go, I don’t want to shock them just for the hell of it! I respect everyone who has a job to do in the theatre.
When I saw that one of my favorite people has also had Proof on their desk for years, and there is a great role for them, I jumped at the idea of making this happen sooner rather than later. If the pandemic taught me anything, it is that things can change in an instant. Where I will probably never be one to just throw caution to the wind, nor do I believe in instant and total gratification all of the time, (sometimes the waiting, planning and dreaming are the best parts!!) I do feel a bit more urgency to seize the day.
I’ve made some compromises to make this happen. I will probably make some more. The one place I never compromise is with my cast. I was taught that casting was 75% of my job as a director and so far I am batting 1000! All of my work has been well regarded not so much because of my abilities, but because of knowing super talented people who keep agreeing to work with me. They make it all happen.
Once again, I have assembled the best. Once again I marvel at my luck and am counting the days until we can start working and I can be astonished by what truly talented and creative people can do.
This show is different from anything I have done so far. It is more serious. It has more weight. It is going to be more work to get just right. It is going to be the kind of play where the audience will discuss it on the way home, wake up the next day and still think about it.
The audience might laugh a couple of times. They might tear up a few times. They might see themselves- their relationship with their father, their sister, their sanity. It will not be for everyone, although it could be for anyone.
I take each play I see, perform in, or direct, as an opportunity to grow. To learn something about the world, something about our audience, something about the actors, something about my craft and something about me.
I didn’t want to be a director. Our journey doesn’t always take us where we thought it would. I didn’t want the responsibility. I didn’t want to be in charge. I could never see standing in front of people who were much more talented than I would ever be and telling them where to stand or what to do.
Without knowing how it happened, I have done those things and it makes me happy. It makes me feel like I have accomplished something. After 8 months of not doing it, not knowing if I would ever get to do it again, I am realizing just how much it means to me to create a vision and make it come to life. It makes me so happy to have my friends join me in this process, as both cast members, crew and audience.
The next month or so I will work as hard as I can to bring this 10 year old dream to life. To make the cast feel welcome on the ride and hope that the audience comes along with us at the end. Maybe it will be PROOF that I have not made a wrong turn on my journey. Maybe it will be PROOF that I just have to keep pushing the boundaries, learning and growing.
Maybe that is all we all want in life- PROOF that we are at least headed in the right direction.
