Passion

I feel like I need to clarify what I said in my last post from last night. I stand by everything I said, but after talking to Tim I think maybe it is hard to understand what I was saying. It is hard for me to understand.

Tim pointed out how hard I have worked and how invested I have been in the process of going to college. He said that was passion. He told me I should not let anyone kill that in me. First let me say I went into this experience with all of my heart and soul. I have been elated at times, overwhelmed at others and downright distraught at other times. I would say that is pretty standard for a college student who gives a damn about what they are doing. I am a person who goes at things 100% all of the time and yes it is exhausting, but so worth it. If you can’t put your whole being into something, why bother. However, to me (and I can only speak for me) passion is way beyond that. You can feel things but not be passionate. You can work hard, believe completely in something and yet not be passionate. Passion is rare and hard to describe. It is a feeling down in your bones that starts somewhere in your heart or maybe your gut. I am not sure. Maybe both!! But you will know it when it happens. Most people are never really passionate about anything in their life. A lot of people think they are passionate about a lot of things in the same way people say they “love” all sorts of things like chocolate and movies and their new phone. But real love is rare and passion is even rarer!

So yes, I still believe in theatre and art and yes I still want to be creative and do my best. But I know how I used to feel. And I know how I felt yesterday. I am the only one who knows how I feel and I felt a big difference. I still said the words, I have said them before and I remembered the lines. I still felt some emotion because I do feel strongly. However, it was NOT the passion I felt before.

His second point about not letting anyone kill that in me is the next thing I feel I need to clarify. No one has killed it. Some people have been less than enthusiastic to say the least. Some circumstances have made me feel rather dejected. But no one person or group of people killed it. It just died. I don’t know why. Lack of nourishment? Old age? I can’t answer that. How could I? I didn’t know it was dead until yesterday!

I truly hope that it can be resuscitated! I plan to learn some amazing music this semester. I plan to direct a bunch of talented kids in a short play that speaks to me. I plan to assistant direct another meaningful play with a group I haven’t even met yet. I plan to throw myself into my work and hope (and pray) for the best. I still believe in every bit of it. I plan to graduate in May and I will be proud and excited to do so. But will that illusive thing I call passion return? I do not know. Am I sad that I have lost something so important? Yes. Will I give up and be devastated? No. Will I become a recluse after graduation? Maybe. (But I have already decided to go to Panama on a mission trip a couple of weeks after I graduate so I would have to say that is a very unenthusiastic “maybe”! I am too much of a go getter to really be a recluse. Time quietly at home or on the beach does sound good right about now though! Do recluses go to the beach??)

So yes, I was and am sad and confused. And yes, I am worried what this new realization could mean. But I am not out yet. Not by a long shot!