Never satisfied

I have no time for blogging but since I have come to realize that writing is probably what I am most passionate about, I shall find time!

Today was a horrible day. Movement was ok but then I hurriedly changed clothes and ran to Acting 2 only to once again totally bomb on my monologue. I don’t know what it is that is so hard about this one monologue but it is not working for me! I looked down before I started, a rookie mistake that I realized the moment I did it. I began shaking again, about half way through. I became disconnected and was awful!

I changed clothes again and went for a run around campus. It did not make me feel better like it usually does and then I went to ballet where I did ok but still feel like the “short bus” kid.

What made today truly awful was this anxious feeling I have and the fact that I feel lost and have no motivation to continue. I feel foolish in everything I do now.

Sometimes when I watch these competition singing shows like American Idol, someone auditions who has been a back up singer for a famous performer or been in the chorus of a Broadway show. I always tell Tim that if that were me, I would have considered myself a success and called it a day! But they are there auditioning as if they had never had a job in the business at all. Why?

And then I realize that they are like me- never satisfied. I always look at people my age who are happy to put on the elastic waist pants and flat shoes and give up. I have often wished I could be happy with that- life would be so much simpler! I had a lovely home, great husband, terrific kid, a new sports car, plenty of volunteer work to keep me busy and yet I was not satisfied and had to go back to college. I have had every job I have ever imagined wanting- teaching, banking, running a professional theatre and yet I was not satisfied. Why are some people so easy to make happy and I am not? Why do I want more, why do I keep pushing to be perfect and young and all of the things I can never be?? It only means disappointment for me, right?

I dance and laugh and enjoy my day at school and then I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the window and think, what is wrong with me? How big of a fool do I look like? Shaking in my shoes while performing in front of 20 year olds who are so sure of themselves, when I am not. Dancing (if you can call it that) when I know nothing of what I am doing. I just feel silly and old and useless today and that is why I have had such a bad day.

And it is  not even that I care what “they” think (although truth be told I do.) It is more that I care what I think and I think that I am losing my momentum, I am falling behind because I am no longer sure why I am doing this, if I ever really knew. For all  of this time I have been badgered by my professors to tell them my goals, my five year plan, my ten year plan. I had none. I didn’t want one. I was moving ahead and open to whatever the world threw at me. Now I feel worthless because I have no plan. They have finally won- I have no plan, no reason to be there and I am feeling that lack of destination. I feel worthless and dissatisfied- as usual.