I had my voice lesson today. Truth is we never sang a note. We briefly discussed Dark Play before we delved into the audition on Saturday. My new voice teacher came Saturday and observed and took notes for us. I knew before I walked in today that she would blast me and I wanted her to. I need someone to tell me the truth. I need some kind of guidance that I can hang on to whether it is positive or not. I am all about the truth.
She told me things that mostly I already knew. I tried to dress for my whole day, not just the audition portion so I had on a nondescript outfit in all black with black tights and FLATS. FLATS!! Me in an audition in flats! I don’t know much in life but I know how to dress. I knew wearing flats was a mistake before I did it and man was I right! Believe me it will NEVER happen again! I had solid reasons why I did it and they all came to pass and I was happy later in the day I had done it but during the audition it was a huge mistake!
I also had my glasses on my head. I was afraid they would get me to read something else so I kept my glasses with me. Again, I knew it was a mistake before I did it. It was like I was the poster child for “let’s do everything wrong possible to show what NOT to do!”
Then I sang a song where the character is mousy and sweet but with the failed dance audition it just made me look more mousy and pitiful. Then I read and as usual it was a whole different ballgame- I did a good job but by then I was screwed.
But through all of this “talking to” I received, I got more and more positive about things. I knew she was telling me this because she sees potential and because she knows I can be better. My teacher gave me real feedback I can use. She told me she was going to push me harder because she now knew I could take it and I was capable of more. She told me to take the forms I have been looking at to find out if I could change my focus in school and still graduate and just throw them away. She reminded me I came with a goal and there was no reason at this point to change that goal.
We talked about developing characters more when I sing. The only time I have thoroughly enjoyed singing at school was when I made my final presentation in Musical Theatre Styles last spring because I was so into the character that I forgot the audience was there and that I was being graded, I just was the Baker’s Wife and I was in that moment. You would think that would have changed me and how I perform but I went back to my old ways as soon as I had a minute to think and let the old insecurities take over.
So I needed this today. I needed to look at myself through her eyes. (I could not say I was beautiful when she asked me to, couldn’t get past “I’m alright, I guess” but I will work on that.) But I do know I can sing when I don’t let nerves throw me and I do know I can continue. She also put a little fight in me. She made me realize I don’t want to change my focus from musical theatre and I won’t let others mess with my head. I have to keep pushing myself to be my best and I have to keep pushing others to let me try.
I can’t quit now- I am so close. But I have to push myself harder, believe it is possible, look for the bright spots and not always dwell on the road blocks. To paraphrase Randy Pausch, the brick walls aren’t there to stop you , just to see how badly you want to get around them. For too many years I let the walls stop me. For the past few weeks I have let them obscure my view. No more! I may not be the most talented person out there but selling myself short and not giving it my all is certainly not going to get me anywhere. Holding back in order to not look a fool only makes me look more foolish and it is not serving me or anyone else.
Now in trying to find a new balance I may make mistakes. I may get too intense, I may be at school more (sorry family) and I may have more emotional episodes. But I have to do all of this for the next year and a half if I ever want to become the person I dreamed of when all of this started.
I tweeted yesterday that studying theatre was making me a manic-depressive and I think that is true. Maybe if I become more focused some of this other crap will fall away. Don’t know- don’t know if I care. After all, life is to live and explore. Each new day brings a new set of lessons and some of them are upsetting. I am feeling the journey.
