Well, I am angry with myself, again. I actually had an ok week. But for some reason my mind seems to dismiss the 105 out of 100 I made on my test, or the fact that my friends and I easily navigated a task that can be very difficult. I do not think about the fact that I was told I was getting better in dance by a student AND the teacher (disclaimer- still not a dancer!) I of course focus on the one thing I failed at.
I hope you will remember my post a couple of weeks ago on how to learn a sonnet. It was mostly in jest and written to make you laugh. I WAS nervous to learn some Shakespeare- that is something I have never done before. I was raised going to the symphony and the ballet, etc. but don’t remember ever seeing any Shakespeare. When we did go to ASF it was always for non-Shakespeare productions. So this is all very foreign and scary for me. But I actually read the syllabus incorrectly and had my sonnet learned by the end of the first week of school. When I realized I was so ahead of the game I felt good and blogged. However, since then I have fixated on this sonnet and I say it almost constantly in my head, afraid I will somehow lose it if I don’t.
Well, this past Wednesday was actually the day we were supposed to present these sonnets. I thought we were going to pair up and work them with a fellow student before actually doing them for the class. But, no. We just walked in and got to it. I was ready to go first. I like to go first so I can just get it over with and then relax and focus on what the others in the class present. Each time I tried to get up, someone else beat me to it. As time went on I began to panic. I was seeing once again how talented my classmates are and more and more I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and my breath getting shallow. I tried to take calming breaths, but by that time I was beyond knowing my sonnet- I was unsure where I was or who I was at that point. So I just sat there like a lump. When class was over I slunked (I don’t think that is a word, but if Shakespeare can make up words, so can I!) out of the room. There are still half of the other students to perfom, it is not like I was the only one to not speak, but other than 2 minor comments I had really not spoken the whole class- not like me really!
And here is why I am upset. I knew the sonnet. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust myself to remember it. I didn’t trust myself to have made decent choices. I didn’t trust my fellow students not to tear me apart for my work. I didn’t trust the teacher to teach me in my ignorance. And I didn’t trust God to give me the strength I needed to stand up there and do my best, even though I had prayed and prayed about this.
I didn’t want to be perfect- none of us are. I didn’t want to be the best, I am not by a long shot! I just didn’t want to look like a total fool and instead I left feeling like a coward, which is worse. I panicked and I left with regrets. That is the worse feeling ever.
I have decided to quit repeating my sonnet 3 times before I fall asleep and 3 times when I wake up. I will no longer say it the entire one hour ride to school or the one hour ride home. I do not plan to say it in the shower any more or as I walk from class to class. I have over-learned it I think. I have definitely worked myself into a frenzy about it, so now I am not only wary of Shakespeare, I would hurt him if I met him in a dark alley! I have decided for the weekend to only say the sonnet one time a day, out loud in performance mode to my poor husband Tim (sorry sweetie!) and then let it go! I am going to see my friend Norton’s production of “9 to 5” and get my hair done and enjoy the super bowl with some steaks cooked on our new grill. I can not let Old Willie ruin another night’s sleep or day’s activities. And on Monday I have to pull myself together and get up fast and first and do this thing! I want to rip it off like a band-aid, take my critique like medicine and then I can relax and listen to the other students. But for now “Weary with toil- I haste me to my bed, the dear repose for limbs with travel tired…” STOP IT!!
