I snapped last night. I am not proud of it, but I did. I had heard people complaining all I could take. And I was being told by another cast member what to do every time I turned around. I wasn’t moving the scenery right, I didn’t open the curtain right, etc. He would reach over me to do my job for me before I could get it done. When someone else missed a cue and I had to put out a set piece alone, he told me to go cuss them out. I told him we were all human and I would not go “cuss them out.”
In going to college I have learned a lot; about acting, about directing, how to sew and dance. I have gained confidence and discovered many things about myself. One thing that has been stressed to us as acting students is an actor’s ethics and etiquette. We are constantly told to go through the proper chain of command. You do not tell your fellow actors how to do their job, the director does that. You don’t tell the crew how to do their job, the stage manager does that. For some reason this cast, or a few of them I should say, decided that it was a free for all and anyone could boss anyone else around.
Now, I am the first to admit, I don’t know very much. I have done theatre now for 50 years. It is hard to believe but I did my first show fifty years ago this coming fall. I am just a few classes from having a BFA in musical theatre. However, if I had known everything about theatre why would I have felt the need to go to college to study the subject? But one thing I do know is that I can open a curtain or roll out a set. I have done that a ton of times. So yes, I finally snapped.
Of course, I snapped at the wrong person. The person who has been hounding me (and I found out later, other crew members) told me I had done something “wrong” and then went to another crew member and told them I had done it wrong and that they should come tell me, again. I snapped at the second person. My bad. I will apologize the minute I see him tonight.
But I spent all night thinking about the situation and I realized something. After the show last night one of my friends on the crew said it had gone OK, not perfectly but OK. I told her if people wanted perfect, they needed to go to the Rave and see a movie. This was live theatre and we were human beings- we make mistakes. My mentor tells us over and over to just tell the story and last night we told the story. I also told my friend something one of my other teachers had just said this week. He reminded us that this was supposed to be fun. That is why it is called a play. He told us we were telling a story and not “saving babies.”
And then I remembered the most important thing. This was our director’s dream. He and his family wanted to share this story and unlike most people who dream but never do anything about their dreams, he did. For three years he has gone through a process of writing and casting, rehearsing and staging. All of that ends this weekend in success. And it is a success already because they have worked together as a family, they have learned lessons about themselves and each other, they have put themselves out there and seen this through to the end. How many people do that? And I got to play a small part in this, how awesome is that?
He did not know everything about writing or directing before he began. If he had, he probably would never have started. If I had really known what I was getting myself into with college, I would have never set foot on campus. This is definitely one of those times when ignorance is bliss. Dancing sounded fun until I got into class and realized not only did I know nothing about it but I am clumsy and have no balance. I could go on and on about things I was totally unprepared for, even though I thought I had done my research before starting.
But dreams are funny things. They give you courage you never knew you had. They lead you to do things with your heart and not your head. They make you believe anything is possible. They lead you down a path that you might often stop along and think “What am I doing?” And sometimes the answer is “Who knows?” But you keep on in a way you might not normally, because the dream pulls you along.
I think the really great people have those dreams that pull them past their boundaries, out of their comfort zone and to the edge of failure. It is a great person who never gives up until they succeed. And many times you do fail, even though my dad used to tell me that you can do anything if you want it badly enough. Sometimes I now think that all of his negativity was to see how badly I wanted things. I guess I gave up too easily and I have no one to blame but myself. But not now, not any more.
So although there have been some anxious moments along the way, I am glad I was part of this process. I am looking forward to performing tonight and the rest of the weekend. I am all for dreams realized, I only hope I can persevere and realize mine.
