The Impossible Dream

I had a very emotional experience tonight. And I’ll have to tell you that I have not been as honest lately as I would like. I haven’t lied, but I have kept a lot to myself in order to protect myself. So here goes- honestly. I really let myself down last week. My audition at VST was not good because I let nerves and lack of confidence get me again. And the call back was worse. I started feeling the old psychosomatic sore throat of the past and let everyone intimidate me. I  had pretty much decided I don’t need to sing any more. I really like doing straight plays as opposed to musicals anyway, so why put myself through the torture.

Tonight I went back to Montevallo (seems I am back there way more than I would have ever imagined when I graduated!) to see some of my dear friends do a recital. It was mainly for one of the most beloved professors of all time at Montevallo. I remember as a teenager seeing Dr. Middaugh in plays and I rediscovered while doing my BFA project that I had actually done a play with him when I was 6 years old! Rumor had it that this would be his last concert and while I hope that was an untruth I did not want to miss any performance of his, much less his last.

As a child I grew up listening to the old standard musicals, what my teachers called “Golden Age.” I knew the words to every song off of those old cast albums and sang them all at the top of my lungs whenever I could. I did not care if it was a man’s song, in fact I preferred to hear my voice sing out against a deep male voice- I still do. When I looked at  my program tonight I realized Dr. M was going to do standards from some of my favorite shows. My voice teacher Natalie and two of my friends were also singing.

Natalie is so talented and was such a great teacher! I hate to see her leaving for NYC, but as I listened to her tonight I knew that was just where she needs to be. And she needs to go now, not wait on her dreams until she is old like me! When my friend Caylan sang it made me smile and sigh! I was so blessed to study with such amazing performers!

Dr. M, who is nearly 80, lost his way a few times during the concert. He would pause, find his place and continue. And no one cared. He is too loved and too talented for anyone to give it a second thought. He has forgotten more than we will ever know! We were just honored to be there. And then he sang “I Am What I Am” from La Cage aux Folles. And the tears began to run down  my face. I am not the best singer in the world and I screw up  my auditions and let my nerves get the best of me to the point where I am a pretty bad singer. But as a small girl belting out the songs of South Pacific, My Fair Lady and Sound of Music, I knew that I would never be happy unless I was free to sing. I knew it in my gut. But my dad punched it right out of my gut and I continued to beat myself up about it for so long that I don’t feel worthy and sabotage myself. I thought school had helped, but the real world brought it right back. And then he sang “The Impossible Dream” and I knew I was about to lose it. I have the impossible dream and I worked to make a big part of it happen. Now I have to find the courage to make the rest of it happen.

I am waiting for the results of my call back. I know I did not get the film- I would have heard by now. The play is still up in the air. I don’t know if anyone else has heard or not. I saw where one of the other plays that had their call backs a week earlier only put up the cast list yesterday so my slowly dying hope got a small bit of CPR. I have tried to convince myself that my audition wasn’t THAT bad and then I have to be real- it was THAT bad! But I am an optimist, so until I am told no or I see a cast list without my name, I will continue to hope. (There is a play I will audition for if I don’t get the musical. You have to just keep trying!) And although I might be a fool to keep trying for musicals, I am afraid I will keep trying.

I am what I am and I will continue to fight windmills, chasing the impossible dream. I just hope as I approach 80 (I hope I make it to 80!) that I have no regrets where this is concerned. I have a lot of work to do!  Bless you Dr. M- you are a great example for us all!!