Most of you know I am a type A personality to the extreme. I plan and have lists and calendars all over my house. I organize my life by day, week, month and sometimes year. Where I am different than most OCD people is that I know most of my plans are never going to work out the way I think. I always make my plans knowing anything can happen!
Last week I had my plans and my schedule all laid out. I had a novel to finish reading, a play to reread, housework to do, music to review and tickets to a play on Thursday night. I had food bought for our meals (with just the two of us that is pretty easy) and the laundry done. Then my plans completely changed.
My son Jon went to the doctor on Monday to get something that had been bothering him for a couple of weeks checked out. The doctor prescribed antibiotics, but by the next day Jon was much worse. Tim and I dropped everything to go to his apartment to see what we could do on Tuesday evening. By the next day Jon could barely get out of bed so he looked up on the internet what the doctor had told him he had. He kept trying to call the doctor back and eventually got the nurse. She made him an appointment with a specialist who could not see him until the following Monday, so Jon took matters into his own hands. He found online who was the most recommended surgeon for his problem and called them himself and got an appointment for that afternoon. Tim and I took him to the doctor who promptly made Jon an appointment for 5:45 the next morning for a little outpatient surgery. Jon would be out of commission for the rest of the week. We carried him to his apartment to get some things and took him to our house to spend the night. At 4:30 am on Thursday we were up getting ready to take Jon for his procedure. Now I do not do 4:30am for just anyone. I put on sweatpants and a sweatshirt because the day before the office had been freezing. I am cold-natured so between the early hour and the cold, I was miserable. By 9 we were all back home and Jon and I were sleeping off our issues- Jon a very painful procedure and anesthesia, me just hating morning.
We gave our theatre tickets to some friends, Jon was certainly alright with us leaving him for a bit and he was doing much better by that evening. It just goes against my “mom code” to leave my child, who technically just had surgery that morning, alone. (Anyway, I was still tired and cranky and I heard rumors that the play lasted over 3 hours.) On Friday I went to Whole Foods to get lots of healthy things to cook for that night and the weekend to come. Later, Jon was in the kitchen helping me make chicken and shrimp lettuce wraps and cookies. I had bought a bottle of Les Mis wine from the Victor Hugo vineyard, (I thought my literary friends would enjoy that. Jon was on pain medicine so I had to drink his glass.) It was a fun time cooking and eating all together. It made me miss the old days before I went to school and before Jon had gotten a full time job and moved out.
By Saturday we were in a nice groove of changing bandages and spending time talking and cooking, watching sporting events (both the NBA finals and the Stanley Cup playoffs were on this week not to mention Indy and NASCAR races.) Tim took Jon to his apartment for a bit so Jon could catch up on some work and get church clothes for today. I reread the play I needed to read and then I grilled steaks. It dawned on me that our time was about to be over. Jon will go back to work on Monday and life will return to normal, whatever that is. Oh, we still have bandages to change for awhile (and they are in a place where Jon really can’t reach them even if he wanted to) and he has to go see the doctor again once a week for a month or so, but for the most part he is free to return to regular life. I however, have gotten into “super-mom mode” and I have to snap out of it.
For all of my love of travel and going out and the love I had for school while I was enrolled, I am a homebody. I could cook and clean and rearrange from now on. And once I get into that frame of mind it is hard to get me out of it. For 3 days I have had on sweats, no make up and been hanging around the house taking care of everyone. Tim has done most of the actual medical stuff, but I have been washing towels and handing him gauze and tape. I have set pretty tables and designed lovely meals on elegant plates. And then it hit me- I can’t go out and audition for plays! I might be needed! Who will feed these guys and care for their every whim? Who will make sure they act responsibly and do as instructed? What if something worse happens? I need to be here, ready to spring into action!
I had the same fears when I started school. And there were a few times I thought my fears were well founded. When Tim destroyed his knee and I had to come home from my classes every day of Summer Term and take him to the physical therapist. (I got all of my reading for Literature done in that waiting room! At home I would probably have had too many interruptions so it all worked out!) When my cat died I was at school trying to get ready for my BFA project that night and I had to make a hard decision, cry quickly and move on. (Had I been at home I would have mourned for weeks and cried inconsolably for days. Being at school made me put my grief in perspective and carry on, so it all worked out!)
Whenever I get in my “homebody” mood I eventually snap out of it. It scares me that I will become my mother, a recluse who thinks everything in the world is awful and depresses everyone who gets around her. So I pull myself up and out into the world. Don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful I was here to take care of Jon. Don’t tell him, but it was almost like a little “stay-cation”! We had lots of laughs, cooked some amazing food, slept late and enjoyed a break, he from work and me from my “plans.” Tim was in and out to make things even more entertaining! On some level I think Jon felt the same way, he kept hanging out here even though technically he could go home. So it all worked out!
I have a feeling if I go to the audition tomorrow, it will once again work out like it supposed to. I just hope I can take it that way. If I get a part I have to know that things will be OK at home, I am not abandoning my family. And if I don’t get cast, maybe there is a reason for that also. I know the week of my BFA project and my cat dying last December I had my last audition at UM. I felt positive I would get cast. Even though my audition was probably lackluster due to sadness and exhaustion, I still felt positive that a play with so many mature parts had to have something for me to do in it! But I got nothing! I was too busy, sad and overwhelmed with other things to care at the time. But later I realized that if I had gotten a part, any part, I would not have changed my schedule or done my internship. My last semester turned out to be my best, I loved everything I did! So it all worked out!
I know that sometimes things don’t work out, that sometimes life is too much or it gets screwed up. But I know if I stay open to life, make my plans, but know they will probably fall through, I have two guys who will take care of me and each other and we can make it all work out!
