I have always heard that what is important is the journey, not the destination. I have only partially agreed with that. While walking to church this morning, on a cold, dreary morning I thought that the journey was not exceptionally pleasant, but I hoped the warm church would be the good destination I was looking forward to. Whenever we head to New York I always dread and somewhat fear the flight, but I can not wait until I reach the destination!! Yesterday I had a much clearer lesson on this old saying.
I have always contended that I had done OK with my life without a college degree. I was able to be the manager of a professional dinner theatre with no theatre management degree. I worked and moved ahead in the banking industry with no math degree. I helped with a couple of fairly successful businesses with no MBA. I taught preschool with no teaching degree. So I never really saw the value in getting a degree in any of these areas. I just had a knack for those things and did them.
I can not really say one thing that made me decide to pursue my BFA. I was scared of going senile as I watched parents digress into dementia. I wanted to feel worthy to perform. I wanted something new to achieve. Above all I wanted to learn and become better at what I had thought since childhood was my passion, my destiny. Although I had tried to smother that part of me over and over, it would not die a quiet death! So I decided to try and (I assumed) fail at the one thing I could not give up, performing. And the degree had to say “Musical Theatre” because my absolute biggest fear was singing. I had to either overcome my fears or fail once and for all.
This past week I felt like I performed and especially sang for hours on end. And nerves rarely came into the equation. I just sang, knowing I was prepared and that I have grown past the debilitating nerves. I told my voice teacher that I had had a last second epiphany mid week (thanks to some serious talks, contemplation and prayer) and I was so ready to sing for anyone and everyone. The feedback I got from fellow students and teachers last week made me rethink my life long negative thoughts. Now I want to sing all the time, for anyone- on stage, in church, wherever! I am just waiting for the right opportunity to do it.
Having said all of that, when I got the diploma yesterday, I guess I thought life would be different. With all of the congratulations and questions about what the future held, it dawned on me that nothing is different to the outside world. I helped Jon get some furniture and arrange it in his new apartment. I am still just mom. We watched the parade with some friends and I am still just their neighbor. We went to see a play and I was still just another audience member. I got up today and cleaned the tub and looked at my email. (I had no need to look at my Montevallo email so that took less time.) To look at me, nothing is different. The destination has been reached. The journey this time was frightening and wonderful, fun and irritating, tedious and amazing. The destination is underwhelming and lackluster. In the long run it means nothing. Unless I use it to start a new journey.
Someone asked me today to return to something I used to do before I started this journey. I told them I would think about it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I would have been furious with my child if he had graduated and then moved home and returned to playing video games and watching TV, ignoring the fact that he had a degree that was proof of new skills learned and endless possibilities. Luckily for me he found a job almost immediately, in his field and quickly moved out to begin his next journey. I am exceptionally proud of him. He was baptized before I was, he received his degree before I did and he took the steps to use said degree in an exciting and expedient manner. He has been my role model since I gave birth to him, I can’t stop that now! I know I can not return to the same old things I was doing before. They were fun and worthwhile then, but it is time to move on.
I never gave up (and never will) being a wife and mom. I am grateful for now to be able to pay more attention to the family. But I told someone the other day that one of the benefits of me going to school was that Jon and Tim learned to do a little more without me and in a way found themselves as well. I missed an opportunity to start Tim helping with some of the housework while I was busy at school, but that ship has sailed now so I will have to just live with that one regret! He still does not know where the vacuum is or how to turn on the washer! Of course, you all know how much I love housework and how picky I am, so it is probably for the best!
I guess the lessons will just keep on coming. When I went to read to first graders at Montevallo Elementary last week, the lady in charge asked the kids when people quit learning. She asked them if they quit after 1st grade and they said “NO!” She asked “What about after middle school?” Again they said “NO!” “What about after high school?” Again, “NO!” “What about after college?” This time they said “YES!!” I began to laugh and the older lady and gentleman volunteering with us looked at me and we shared a knowing look. The lady went on to tell them that no, they never stop learning. Sometimes I think some people ignore new lessons as they age or quit pursuing the lessons. New lessons just keep slapping me in the face. And I am so grateful! I am not sure about any future destinations, but I hope I am on my way to many more new journeys!!
