Tim and I went to the movies last night and saw “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.” It was about old people, who faced with not as much money as they need to retire decently in this country, go to India because of an ad that promises a lovely, exotic, less expensive place to finish out their days. It came on the heels of an article I read in New York magazine only a couple of days ago, where the author is watching his mother live her days out in a nice nursing home in Manhattan. His mom can no longer get around on her own, take care of herself or even speak, except for the occasional, incoherent outburst. We are all too familiar with that sort of scenario.
While the characters in the movie were all of sound mind and fairly sound body, (spoiler alert– one character is ill but no one knows that until he dies and another is there for a less expensive hip replacement) the mother of the New York magazine author is lost in her gnarled body after several strokes. The author talks about how we can keep repairing our bodies with replacement parts and bypasses, etc. but our mind eventually shows our age and leaves us trapped in a body that can keep going for years more.
I really started thinking about what I want for my life. I work hard to keep my body in good condition, I eat right, work out everyday, walk often and try to be healthy and careful in general. That does not mean I don’t drink lovely, adult beverages in moderation, have cupcakes when they present themselves and try to enjoy new things as often as possible. Without those thing, what kind of a life would that be?? However, it does mean I think before I act and the words “moderation in all things” are about the only words of wisdom I learned from my mother. As for my mind, I read and think more than I probably should and now this whole “going back to college” thing has shown me I have a ways to go before my mind turns to mush.
This morning I had a heart to heart with my son who is my only child and the only one who will have to make decisions for me, should I get to the point in life that I can not make them for myself. I thought that while I was thinking about it I would let him know how I feel about the subject. I used to tell him that if I ever lost my mind he was to take me in the back yard and shoot me. I, of course, realize that is not realistic. The last thing I want to do is put him through that anguish much less the murder trial! However, what the author said in his article made sense. Doesn’t there come a point where you quit fixing up the tires and seats of a car if the engine won’t turn over? I told Jon that if I was blessed enough to make it to 80 years old, at that point I did not want any major life saving surgery, etc. No heart bypass, no chemo for cancer, no liver transplant. Before 80 if I was of sound mind I would make those decisions on a case by case basis but if I was over 80 or could not make good decisions on my own, then his answer to anything beyond a vitamin or aspirin was to be “NO!” If I can’t make a decent decision then my brain is telling me it is going and I need to let my body go with it so my spirit can be free of all of that.
I have lived a fabulous life. I have traveled, been loved, had a baby that turned into a remarkable man, worn fabulous clothes, heard cheers and applause for my performances, learned a lot, known many interesting people, disliked some people and been furious. I have felt great sadness and disappointment and felt the exhilaration of winning. If I get any more time here on earth, that will be amazing. If I get to be 80, that is phenomenal. So why would I want to go out a drooling, lost lady with a brand new hip?? If I linger on, that is God’s call, not mine or Jon’s. And that is the other side of all of this. I can’t really make the decision when I go. If I could, I would be healthy and coherent until I am 99 at which point I would accidentally forget to pull the chord on my parachute while skydiving. But I can’t predict my demise. But I can let my son know that he (nor I ) need suffer any longer than necessary.
At this point my son, dry eyed and stoic said, “So I don’t get to shoot you in the back yard after all??” And that is why I love him.
I was reading along thinking about how wise you are and then I read Jon’s comment and snorted out loud !!! Mark said that we are to drive him to the farm… Open the car door… And give him a shove. He said he would wander around in the woods until the end !!
Loveeeeeeeeeeeeee
My mother in law has the same request of being shot by someone. She said she knows my husband is too nice to do it, so she is hoping his sister will. 🙂