I am extending my break for a little bit longer because I have missed blogging so much! I have worked non-stop all weekend on papers, schedules, collages and lines. I even missed church to keep working but I did take a break to go to lunch with my guys. I need to go back to it immediately but took a second to check facebook and realized I wanted to write. Strange, since I just wrote a 5 page paper! Actually I could write papers all day, it is the studying for tests and learning lines that gets to me.
I am so worried about learning lines. I have lines for “The Pablo Cruise Incident” that I kept putting off so I could learn my monologue for class. Now I feel pretty good about those lines and need to learn lines for my acting class which I feel is stopping me from working on my lines for “Heartbreak House”-my next project.
I am so tired and overwhelmed! I left the house yesterday about noon (Tim filled in the morning so I could work on a paper)to tabulate scores for a show choir competition and got home last night (well, this morning) at 1am. I need my sleep so I slept until 9 and then hit the books again. I feel like everything came all at once- my directing scene, my acting scene, mid-terms and the shows. After all I did yesterday and today I am feeling like I might actually get it all done, probably not “A” quality work like I would want, but good enough to get by.
I remember a friend saying to me when I started school that it was so nice for me because I did not have to worry about my grades. I had no parent to fuss at me, no expectations from anyone and no pressure for my future. I told them I was not the kind of person who would be happy with mediocre grades and so far my 3.95 GPA (all A’s except for a B in Jazz my first semester) has made me even more focused on keeping that record intact. It is too stressful and I know at some point I will have to relax. This might be that moment!
I feel so embarrassed when I don’t make an A- like I let everyone down. I am mad at myself and embarrassed for the teacher to know I retained their information so poorly. I remember as a child bringing home report cards that were all A’s and maybe one A- or a B and my dad would look at me with that mean stare and say, “Why in the world did you make a B? What is wrong with you? How stupid can you be!?” He never acknowledged the other 10 A’s, just the one B. So I now say it to myself since he is not in a position to say it. I remember my first history test with Mr. Barronton. I made an 88. I was so upset and when I went to see him in his office to find out what I had missed and how I could improve, he acted like it was a pretty good grade for a first test. I was astonished! I made sure I got over 100 on almost all of my other tests with him because I did not want to be embarrassed again. Obviously he did not see it as embarrassing but I did.
So now I have to decide, learn lines to keep myself from being embarrassed on stage or learn the names of all of the actors in the 1800’s for a test? Make my monologue perfect or stay connected to my family by watching some TV or eating a meal with them? Spend every waking moment writing a paper or reading an assignment or do some community work or go to church.
A classmate on facebook said they wished there were eight extra hours in a day- I don’t think that would be enough!
