I haven’t written here in a long time. Some of it is due to being really busy. Part of it is because I have been in a strange mood lately. But the biggest reason I haven’t written is because I don’t feel that I can say what I really feel anymore. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings or share a confidence I need to keep. But lately I feel that most of what is going on in my life, the way I feel about things that are happening, the truth, is not something I can share. And that is stifling for a writer like me.
Part of my not blogging lately is because I get my writing “fix” from the reviews I get to write now for BroadwayWorld.com. Even there I have felt that I couldn’t be totally honest though. After all, I might want to work with the people I am writing about! On the one hand, trying to be an actress and a critic is a tight rope walk between the two and I should give one up. On the other hand, I feel like I need to perform before I judge anyone else. I have to stay connected to the work and the theatre. But how do you get cast after you ripped someone a new one for their last production? Stifling!
I always look forward to the season of Lent. It is a time to really examine your life, but to also study and examine the life of Jesus. This year has had me questioning EVERYTHING. It has been uncomfortable and not in the way you might think. We lost a close family member and … well, our other loss is not my story to tell. Again, I feel stifled to share what is weighing on my heart.
I have been helping with a new non-profit. It has had a few good days, but for the most part it has been very difficult. Everything I planned for these kids has had to go out the window because of their attitudes and belligerence. I have been very angry and if I wasn’t someone who lives up to their commitments, I would have walked out months ago. These kids, their actions, their disrespect, and their illiteracy have eaten away at me, but I don’t feel like I can really share their stories. Stifled again! And I can’t teach them what I want or do with them all I want because of their limitations and attitudes, which is also stifling.
I have been helping my son with a big project. It has had some interesting moments, but it has mostly been frustrating. Since he doesn’t want to share this “project” with just everyone, I am again stifled!
I have enjoyed seeing plays and reviewing them, but I miss being involved with a show. I miss acting. I know- it has only been a little over 3 months and the last show made me ready to take a break, but when you really love doing something, you want to always do it! I have the opportunity to audition on Saturday, but I feel like I have too much else going on right now to take a part in a show. Not that I would necessarily get a part. But if you audition you need to be ready for whatever happens. I also have a chance to perform for an event in May, a one night deal. But it is in a place that holds a lot of my anxiety and fears of performing. It is in a situation that makes me very uncomfortable, so I am not sure how much I am willing to do in this case. Again, I feel artistically stifled.
I do want to redecorate my bedroom. I am sure Tim will let me have free rein to do it anyway I want. That won’t be stifling. But the idea of having my sanctuary, the one place I feel relaxed and calm, my home and bedroom, in upheaval makes me anxious. So I keep putting it off. When I finally called the painter to at least get an estimate, he didn’t return my call, so I am stifled for the moment. (I will call him again, and if he doesn’t all back, guess what? There are other painters!)
Overall, I need to figure out an outlet for my frustrations. I need a way to be creative, honestly and freely. I need a few things to be resolved, out in the world and in my head! I need a way to not be stifled!
