I haven’t written in a while and I apologize. Where I was overflowing with things to write about a couple of weeks ago, I now don’t feel I can write about anything. I have had a lot of funny experiences, but I feel like I will tick people off if I am honest and tell about the funny things I hear. Then I have had some very deep and confusing experiences, but as in many of my college classes my book study conversations are supposed to be confidential so I really can’t share my thoughts on those either. I have felt stifled. I also went to a play this week and although I thought most of the actors did a good job (especially Chance who was back to his old self after the last show I saw him in. Smooth, relaxed and just what he should have been for this play. He was vulnerable when it was called for and tough when needed.) Overall though I have no idea what the play was about or its point. The friend I sat with asked me at the end what we had just watched and I had no answer. I went home trying to analyze it and could not. Therefore no review and once again, I feel stifled!
Yesterday I worked a wedding. When we work a wedding we get there very early, often before any of the wedding party. I often see the flowers being arranged and the bouquets being made. Yesterday I also watched as the caterer put the cake together. The groom’s cake was a breeze, two layers of large, square, chocolate cakes stacked together and decorated with poker chips and some playing cards on the top. The bride’s cake was a different story. As soon as the three layers were put together it was obvious that the bottom layer was not level and the whole thing was listing to one side. The guy decorating the cake sent an assistant out to the truck and the kid came back with a stick and some hedge clippers. I was intrigued and began to watch carefully. First they cut pieces of the stick and tried to prop up the side that was lower. That did not work. Then the caterer sent the kid back to “the shop” to get another layer he just happened to have baked. He told me he never baked extra, but for some reason he had this time. And he also told me he had never had a cake turn out lopsided like this. By the time the new layer arrived the experiments on the original layer had turned it in to a pile of crumbs and icing. The new layer was added with extra tall supports so that the other two layers were not resting on it at all. In the inch or so gap between the layers he put real pink roses. The cake still had a definite lopsidedness to it. He left off the top, fourth layer due to fear and finished off the cake.
During the reception I kept looking at the cake from my vantage point by the sound board. Twice I saw kids bump the table where the cake stood and I watched the cake sway. My heart stopped every time. My son told me to quit watching it and the caterer told me he wished they would just cut it already. After all of the dances with each other and parents, etc. it was finally time to cut the cake. It all went well and the cake was actually quite delicious. For someone who had not witnessed the entire saga, all they saw was a beautiful cake that tasted good, too! They did not see the layer that was flawed or the hard work that went into making it all look good on the outside.
I thought about that and how many of us look fine (even great!) on the outside. We even “taste” OK to people who get to know us a little better. But sometimes the foundation we have built our lives on is not as stable as it should be.
I talked to a friend the other day about one of his students and he told me how this student was very sure of herself and her talents, but not in a way that was boastful or off-putting. We decided that in show business (where this child’s talents seem to be) that was a necessity. I realized that is how you survive the rejections- you believe in yourself enough not to let others’ opinions affect your self worth. In my book study I have more and more questions and less and less answers. In fact, it has made me pray less instead of more. I keep thinking about things I have read and heard and I am more and more confused (and I was pretty confused when I started!)
And then I realized that my childhood was that cracked foundation, just like the cake. I can fix the problem with supports and flowers, but somewhere in there a crack can still be found. So when I feel lost in my faith is it due to my lack of faith training in my youth? When I feel depressed because I don’t get a part in something I audition for, is it because somewhere in me the shaky foundation is shifting and causing me to waiver? I am a pro at patching it back together and getting on with it, but that questionable beginning gets rattled every time someone hits the table and the cake shakes. I don’t want to keep blaming my “childhood.” That is so cliche, plus at some time you have to be a grown up and take responsibility for your own life. But that cake made me wonder. Can you ever get past a lopsided and cracked foundation?
I don’t want to be that cake. I don’t want to feel like I wish they would just cut the cake already and get it gone before it crashes to the floor. But I am not really sure how to ever “sure up” a life that was built on shaky ground. I will keep working and see what happens. But if I end up in a pile of crumbs on the floor, don’t be surprised. I am examining my foundation and all of the layers on top of it. Anything can happen!
