I have not had time to eat or sleep recently so blogging has been out of the question! If given the choice, I always pick sleep but blogging would definitely come before eating! I love to write and I know it is because I can choose my words. When you talk, it comes out too quickly and once it is out it can not be put back as you edit and choose another word. I was once told that talking is like squeezing toothpaste out of a tube. Once it is out it is impossible to squeeze back in! When you write, especially with the onset of computers, it is easy to erase a word and use a different one, a better one.
In theatre history we read a play by David Mamet called Oleanna. We had a quiz today and I wanted to write volumes and discuss it at length. I am very careful to not talk much because I am very opinionated and I feel I am talking from a different generation and will not be understood. The play, to me, addresses how words can be twisted and used against you, even if you say them innocently enough. I am not sure others see it that way. I have seen my father’s words twisted in a court of law, I think sometimes I have twisted his words in my own head, and I know what can happen. But in a play I can go back and see what was actually said and how the words are changed. In real life you can not do that. There are not recordings or transcripts of every random conversation you have.
Today, since I am not eating or sleeping, I was in a fog all day. I talked in class, had meetings and rehearsals and said lots of things I think were probably stupid but I said them none the less. My friend Lisa and I used to talk about how we would go home at night and analyze things we said during the day and kick ourselves for saying things that might have been rude, hurtful, not politically correct and even crazy sounding. We felt we needed to apologize at the end of the day to everyone we had talked to! I finally decided not to talk but to write and then I could get it closer to what I really meant to say by editing and carefully selecting each word instead of just talking willy-nilly!
In college I hear other students say ludicrous stuff constantly! In fact, I have heard teachers say ludicrous things and I just chuckle within and move on. Today, I spoke up in class because this play was so close to me and I had such strong opinions. During the quiz I wanted to write volumes but could not, so I had to quickly decide what was important. (I hope the teacher thought the same things were important!) I could read and discuss plays like this all day but I don’t think there is any future in that! Especially if I am going to feel weird afterwards for talking too much.
Tonight I called my parents who I have not talked to in weeks. With them I carefully choose each word and keep the subjects light and general. After talking to them I am generally upset, but not tonight. I had such positive things to tell them- I am in a show at school (and I actually invited my father!) Jon has gotten a huge promotion at work and is moving into an absolutely fabulous, luxury apartment and Tim is off working sound and lights for a play at Virginia Samford Theatre (since he was so fabulous with The Pablo Cruise Incident and so easy to deal with, he is now in demand!) so it was a pleasant conversation. Of course my dad cut me off to talk about himself but I tried to just overlook it and move on. (I will be more careful to not take words the wrong way like the character in Oleanna did!)
And after rehearsal I said something that I think put me in a poor light and I left wanting to explain myself but didn’t. And now I will spend the evening fretting about that and wanting to write about what I meant and how it is not as horrible as it sounded but I think I will try to just move on and know that I meant something positive even though I might not have expressed it correctly. Anyway, my son is on the way here to go to dinner and time with him trumps writing, food OR sleep!
