What I have learned

I have just finished my directing book except for a response to a play I will not see until tomorrow. So for now, I have done all I can do. I still need to work on my monologues and songs, but I have a free minute now so I was thinking about what I have learned (and not learned) in the past three years.

I have learned how to analyze a play and/or a character from a play or song. I have learned some chemistry and history and although I have already forgotten some of it, I remember a lot of it- I promise. Just don’t test me on it! I have learned how dancing should look and feel, even if I can’t do it myself. I have learned a lot about performing a song, especially this year. I have learned how to take a song and make it my own, unless it is Sondheim and certain people are around (and you know who you are) and then you sing it just like it is written. I have learned that I can do way more than I ever thought I could, if I take it day by day and don’t freak out on day one by the sheer magnitude of the task. I learned that I have more stamina and I am stronger than lots of college age guys! I have learned that most of my sore throats when I had to sing were from nerves and although I still get nervous, I do not make myself sick with a sore throat any longer. I have learned that having my house perfectly clean and straight and not having all of the laundry done will not kill me. Sometimes other things are more important. (But between you and me, I can not wait to have my house back spotless and the laundry done!) I have learned that some people just are not going to like you no matter what you do and even if they are in places of power over you, it can be OK. You can figure it out and get the job done anyway. Not everyone is a fan, so deal with it. I have also learned that there are some people that you just can not communicate with.That is a challenge. But I learned to work around that, also. I have learned to never expect anything. You think you know what could happen, but you will probably be surprised with what actually happens. I have learned that I prefer to be around young people than people my own age and that young people are more accepting of me and of most things than people closer to my age. (Not always- I know some great grown ups and have met some pretty difficult kids.)

What I wanted to learn and did not was if anyone actually thought I had any talent. I got to do three shows and be a part of many more. I made really good grades. I got to direct a play and was recommended to judge a competition and to do an internship in a local high school. I have to assume someone somewhere thought I was capable of something. But I also did not get cast in lots of things I thought I could do, did not get picked to present in lots of workshops, and was pushed aside at times. I guess a lot of us feel that and then some of us don’t. I just never felt affirmed like I had hoped. But I guess that is just me, I may never feel really sure of myself in this area no matter how many A’s I get. And I learned that I was not alone in my self doubt. We creative types have issues!

Bottom line, all I wanted was to feel worthy to sing in church and to know what I was doing when I got the chance to do local theatre. And I wanted to know what I had missed all of those years ago, when I was discouraged from pursuing this dream. I gave up then and no amount of self doubt or non supportive people were going to stop me this time. Let me just say, I still don’t feel worthy to sing in church. And I still will never know what could have happened if I had done all of this 35 years ago instead of now. But I have had a great experience and have learned way more than I bargained for. And I intend to keep learning until the day I die.