I wrote a post over a year ago about the old saying not to judge a book by its cover. We all have those times that we expect someone to be a certain way because of how they look or dress. I try not to do it and yet I still do. That post, summer before last, was calling myself out for doing just that and being proven so wrong. I talked to a friend of mine about that post just last week and I found it ironic today when the tables were somewhat turned on me.
How often do you think about what others see when they look at you? Do you care? I want to be neat and clean and I love clothes so I have to admit I try to be fashionable. I may not always succeed, but I try! I think I probably dress too young sometimes and in trying not to do that, other times I feel that I dress too old! Usually, I try to strike a happy medium. However, I am not talking about my clothes or my hair cut in this instance. Today I was given an insight into what people, at school at least, see when they look at me. And I am having a bit of a hard time dealing with it.
I should not be surprised or shocked. I should not be upset. I should not care because I know the truth. But I would be lying if I said that it didn’t sting a bit. I love the truth. I would rather hear the truth in every instance. Not that it doesn’t hurt sometimes, but please, tell me if I am about to make a fool out of myself! Tell me if I am not really capable of doing what I am about to attempt. Tell me if I have spinach in my teeth or my dress is tucked into my underwear. But don’t be surprised if it takes me a few minutes (or hours or days) to process what you tell me, before I pull myself up and move on.
So today I saw where people might see me as a “bored housewife” who came back to school for something to do. Now this person was not talking about how they saw me, so they said, but others who might see me that way. And although it hurts to think that, I can see where that might be what someone could have initially thought. I would think after two and a half years of non stop classes ( even in the summer) all A’s (except for a B in dance), NO days absent and all of the extra work I have done, that no one would think that any longer. But do they?
And anyone who knows me from before I started school could tell you that “bored housewife” hardly described me! I was president of our women’s organization at church for the 2 years prior to starting school. There were roughly 200 women in this group. I was a mentor for the confirmation classes and a youth counselor. For 10 years I went on choir tour with our youth choir each summer. I traveled with the show choir to competitions and worked the competition at the high school each February, tallying scores for the whole event. I did shows with our church’s theatre group and helped the high school do a big musical each spring. I was a literacy tutor for adults who could not read and I traveled. Oh how I traveled! New York several times a year, the beach for a long week with the girls, trips to Atlanta or the spa to see my friend Stephen, bowl games, and more. I had lunches with friends and built sets with my husband. I was there to help my son and his friends and assist Tim with sound jobs as much as possible and kept books for my mother in law. And I entertained when possible, lunches for the girls and dinners for the youth. Boredom was hardly an issue.
I gave almost all of that up to go back to school. I still have to keep the books and clean the house, but my time with the youth is gone and I have not been anywhere in over a year- no beach, no New York, no spa. Now, like we jokingly said after directing class a couple of weeks ago, “Don’t cry for me, Montevallo”!! I am having a blast at school. But don’t sell me short either. I am not nor was I ever a “bored housewife”. This is not a whim any more than it is a whim for the other students in our department. I have proven myself over and over and over and over. Sometimes I think I am beating my head against the wall trying to get some people on my side. Others I have given up trying to make them accept me. And yes, in all honesty, some people I feel a certain bitterness towards because of their lack of acceptance. All in all, I just have to keep working- doing my best and doing it for me, not “them.” It still hurts when I think that is how people see me.
Today, one of my friends stopped to talk to me as I was reading in the beautiful sunshine. He asked about the BFA project and since I had all of this on my mind I told him Stephonn was great and I thought it would be fine- I just have a hard time saying anything I do is any good! He assured me it would be fabulous and to myself I wished I had the faith in me that these kids have! I sometimes wonder if the world would have been better served if I had kept on being that “bored housewife,” helping kids and working my ass off for others. I hope God will see that although I have taken 3 years for “me,” I did it for the right reasons. If others can’t see what I gave up and where my heart is, I hope that God can. And if He can, I don’t guess I really care about the others so much.
