Generous giving really wasn’t modeled for me while I was growing up. I have to say that I have learned the most about giving from my husband, Tim. If it were up to him, we would give away everything we have.
The other example of giving I had is maybe embarrassing to admit, but it is Oprah. Being a stay at home mom for my child’s younger years, I got hooked on her show. I would play with Jon, clean house, cook, run errands, etc. all day long, but at 4pm each afternoon, I would take a break and watch Oprah. Then at 5, when her show was over, I would start to put dinner together.
Sounds boring, I know, but I am a creature of habit and for 10 years or more, that was my routine.
I would cry when she made some grand gesture to the people in her audience or a guest that she surprised with a car or a house or money. I would often wish that I had more that I could share.
Yesterday I was lucky to have my son drop by for dinner. The basketball tournament preempted his radio show, so we had the rare opportunity for a weeknight visit. Our conversation turned to charity and the giving of our time.
We discussed how sometimes we might mean well in our volunteering, but there are moments when it seems to become all about the giver and not the recipient. There are times when what is being done causes more harm than good.
As with many things, we have to try to look at it through the lens of the people we are trying to help, rather than through our own eyes. If we have a home, food, money for the movies, stability, white privilege, and on and on, we are not seeing things the way the people we are serving might see them.
Our perceptions of “too much is never enough” and feeling like we can take care of the world often leads us to do things that might not be the best.
Last week I had to meet a colleague downtown for drinks. The place where I was going was not on my beaten path. I had to park a couple of blocks away and walk to the restaurant. I was a bit nervous, having not been downtown alone like this often.
When I parked I noticed a woman that appeared to be at least as old as I am get out of the car behind me and walk down the street. As I looked around, I noticed more and more people out walking. Couples pushing strollers, single people of many races and ethnicities all headed to different bars and restaurants.
Downtown has definitely changed since I was down there last! The energy and excitement was evident.
When I got to my table, I texted Tim to tell him that I was there. He asked me where I had parked, so I told him. He asked me to please call him as I left, so we could converse as I walked back to my car. He knew that when I left it would be dark and he was concerned. I told him about all of the people out and about, but he still said he would feel better if he talked to me as I went back to my car.
I had a productive meeting and then got ready to leave. The person I met with was parked in the opposite direction, so my plan that we could walk part of the way together wasn’t going to happen. I bid my new friend good bye and turned to walk back, dialing Tim as I walked.
Just as he answered I realized I had walked past a man sitting on the sidewalk against the wall of a building. He had a container of some sort in front of him and was asking for money.
I was a few steps past him before I realized what was going on. I felt the pull to go back and drop some money in his bucket, but I also felt the pull to keep walking. As I talked on my fancy cell phone, walking to my nice car, I felt torn about what was the right thing to do. And what about my safety if I stopped, dug through my purse, pulled out my wallet and got money to hand out?
I just kept walking.
All of these days later, I am still wrestling with what I should have done.
I have read the recent message from the Pope that we should give and not worry about what the person does with the money. That we are instructed to help and cannot trouble ourselves with what the recipient does with the money.
I see that, and I know the Pope is the Pope, and what do I know anyway? Being a worrier, I can’t help but think about whether I am doing the right thing in these situations.
I have blogged before about reading a book called “Toxic Charity” and I have recently read an article about “voluntourism”. Both make me shudder to think that in our hurry to “do good” sometimes the opposite happens. While I can profess that my intentions are honorable, can I really ignore the other side of the equation?
As usual, I am trying to research what I do and the charities I give to. I try to be sensitive to each situation. I try to do the best I can. I have no answers and I am sure I mess this up a lot. But I can not just go willy-nilly through life saying “You get a car! And you get a car! And you get a car!” when I have no idea what the ramifications could be.
I also can’t base what I do for others on how great it makes me feel or even worse, how wonderful it makes me look in the photos. I have to be real in how I act and thoughtful in what I do.
But do I miss opportunities while I stop to think? Does my research slow me down to the point that I miss the chance altogether? When I walked past the man on the street, did I worry more about myself than him and thereby miss a chance to help Jesus himself?
Bottom line -when we step in, thinking WE are going to save the world, I think we are off the mark. We are not the saviors, there is only one Savior. We are his hands and feet and need to remember who we are and why we are doing what we do. Do I miss opportunities? Absolutely. Does it break my heart when I do? Of course!
But I have to back myself down when I think I am gong into save the world and it all depends on me. When I want things to go my way and aren’t I just grand for helping all of these people? I have to slow myself down long enough to realize that while we are all in this together, I am not all that. I need a little humility and thought before plowing into someone else’s reality.
As with most things, there are lots of gray areas and I have no idea what I am doing. I do know that when we think we are God and that we are in charge, it is time to back off a bit and rethink our priorities and reasons for what we are doing. Are we out to “do good” at someone else’s expense or are we willing to do something that has no benefit for us, in fact might go against what we desire to actually help another?
