For those of you who read this blog regularly (thank you) you know I am an introvert. I can see that someday my final phase of life (act quatro?) is to be a hermit. All of the Facebook tests and church studies to figure out your personality type tell me I should just hide under the bed and be done with it.
At the end of church each Sunday, I can not get out of the door fast enough. I have had small talk with people I know as I have entered, I have shaken hands with the people around me at the prescribed time and when we finish that last hymn, I am on “sociable overload.”
The dichotomy of my life is that as shy as I am and as quiet as I would want my life to be, I also love big cities and loud football crowds. I love parties and deep conversations. I love to dress up in fancy clothes and go to plays and operas. I love to perform and make people laugh.
Having grown up being told that nothing I did was good enough, I think much of my personality is based on fear. Fear of messing up, fear of being disliked, fear of doing the wrong thing, of saying the wrong thing, fear of failing.
It is tough to fail at the things that you never do. It is hard to make an enemy while hiding under the bed alone. Safely doing nothing and staying alone seems the simple solution.
I saw my mother go from a person who loved to socialize and be around people to a total recluse who never wanted to leave her house, not even to come see me. I saw her life shrivel up to nothing, only taking care of a couple of scraggly cats and a dog. I saw her just give up and finally cease to live.
It scares me to see my mother in myself. It worries me when I spend multiple days in my sweats, cleaning, writing, and talking to my cat. I know there is a more abundant life out there for me and I don’t want to miss it because of my fear.
I have terrible stage fright. People find that hard to believe and often ask me how or why I get on stage, if I am so scared. I gave up on theatre for several years due to fear. And then I decided to take the plunge and try it again.
I am the type of person who follows through. If I agree to do something, it will get done. If I tell you that I will be somewhere, I will be there. If I tell you I am in, I am 100% in. What I have learned to do is to sometimes agree to something that I am terrified of doing. Not like bungee jumping or skydiving, but like joining a committee or singing at a fundraiser. When I agree to scary things, it feels like jumping off of a cliff.
Once I have agreed, then I make myself leave the house, learn the song, or whatever the new adventure involves. In other words, once I agree to doing something, I force myself to follow through. It makes me face my fear, and it usually becomes an enjoyable experience I am happy that I had.
When a friend asked me to sing with him at a fundraiser he was a part of, my first answer was no. When another asked me to direct a play for his theatre, my first answer was no. When asked to emcee a talent show, my first response was no. All of those answers were my first gut reaction. I told my friend that he could find a better singer, I told another that I was not qualified to direct a play and I told the last one that I wasn’t quick on my feet enough to emcee anything.
Each person knew me enough to push me a bit and once I realized my “NO” was completely based in fear, I said yes.
When it came time to sing, I just decided “Hey, no one may ever ask me to sing again- I better enjoy this one shot I have!” And I prepared as best I could and had a blast! Directing that play was one of the best experiences of my life. I just did what I learned in school (I did take every one of the directing classes and did an internship after all!!) and put my spin on it. I liked it so much I am doing it again! And I emceed, got a few laughs and raised a little money.
Fear is a strange thing – it cripples us and motivates us. It pushes us into things and away from things. My son and his cohost did a podcast on Fear. They had interesting views on why people are more afraid of public speaking than of death. They decided that fear of embarrassment is what motivates many fears. I see it more as a fear of failure. And I don’t guess there is anything to fail or get embarrassed about when it comes to death!
I am so much more afraid of death. Of passing on without ever doing anything important. Of ending this life without ever knowing what my purpose was supposed to be.
My biggest fear is giving up on life while I am still alive. Of existing, but not really living. Of giving in to my reclusive tendencies and failing to do anything, important or other wise.
As often as I can make myself, I throw myself off the cliff. I just say yes to something I am afraid of, even though it feels like I have just put myself in peril. I agree to portray a 90 year old woman or sing a silly little song in front of others. I work to believe that the reward will outweigh the fear and I keep marching to the edge, hoping that when the time comes to jump, I will be prepared and able to do the very thing that I fear.
In this day and age, there is a lot to make me sad and want to hide. Pushing myself off of the cliff and making myself vulnerable to all of the things I am afraid of is the only way I can make myself leave the house each day.
I think that we have to do the very thing we are afraid of. That to feel alive, we have to face our fear and realize that maybe it isn’t so terrifying after all. That stepping through the fear will make us realize that we are stronger than we thought, that we are more than we ever imagined. That there is something bigger than us holding on to us as we try to do a little more than we thought we could.
So I will keep agreeing to do things that I feel throws me off of the cliff, into a space where I am not sure what will happen and where I am not comfortable. I will try to do more instead of less as life continues on. I will fight the urge to hide in my house and I will push myself to do one more scary thing, hoping that in the long run, abundant living will overshadow the fear.
