I need to be working on my directing book. I have much to do before next week and finals, but I feel more like writing here in this moment. I spent the morning helping Tim with sound set up for the Homewood Middle School show choir to perform in downtown Homewood. It was a beautiful day and the kids sounded great. As one girl performed a solo after their big competition show, a small child waddled over to some roses blooming near the singer and smelled deeply of the bright red flowers. She giggled and then toddled away. And I thought back to the past week.
I have lived the last week as a series of endings. My last time to dance, my last class with so many wonderful people. My last time to eat in certain spots I have enjoyed over the past few years. On Tuesday night one of my son’s friends and co-workers was killed in a car accident. A very harsh and sudden ending. Since I was already in a nostalgic, weepy mood I was totally overcome. When trying to tell the students in my directing class how proud I was of the play I have been assistant directing at Thompson High School, I broke down. I had to gather my composure quickly so as not to embarrass myself completely. But I felt every emotion I could imagine all at once and it was just too much. I felt grief for a young life lost and for his small child left behind. I felt sadness, knowing that many of the things I have done and people I have grown to love are about to be in my past. I cried with pride for the work I have done and the fact that I set out on a journey that I was so unsure of and yet I have come to the end of that particular part of my journey with success. I know my story continues, but where it is headed I have no idea. I am no more sure of things than I was 3 years ago when I began. I cried for joy that I was through with dance and cried for sorrow because I am through with dance.
As I watched the baby smell the flower as the young girl sang in that beautiful spot on this gorgeous day, I realized how blessed I am, how much I have learned and explored. I realized what a beautiful life I have, what a beautiful world this is. I saw that I have such an opportunity right now to keep going, making the world a little better when possible, exploring my abilities and sharing my art with whoever is there to be a part of it. I have time to smell the flowers right beside that child and enjoy a sunny day. I can be there for all of the people I have not been there for the past three years and to be open to new opportunities, hopefully better equipped to take advantage of those opportunities. On the other hand I will not be there for the friends I have made at school, no longer there in class to watch their progress and marvel at their talent.
My emotions are all over the place right now- happy, sad, excited, scared. But I am alive and as long as I am alive I plan to LIVE! Not just be alive but really LIVE! I have no idea what is around the next corner, none of us really do. Jon’s friend Sam had no idea last Tuesday when he got up that he was waking to his last day on earth. All we can do is our best, try to be true to who we were made to be and enjoy what ever the day holds. I may not have a plan, or know exactly how to feel right now, but I am truly feeling every emotion, savoring my last days with new friends, looking forward to more time with old friends and living in the moment- the most precious lesson I have learned in school. Act in the moment, be in the moment, enjoy the moment, live in the moment.
And if I am fortunate enough to still be here on earth next Saturday, I plan to enjoy my moment as I cross the stage and get my diploma. It is the end of one thing, but the beginning of something else. So I may cry- a lot! But it is a mix of happy and sad and it is OK! It is very OK! I am living the moment, just as I was taught to do.
