I feel that many times in life I have to decide whether what I have done is a success or failure. What makes a success or failure in life? I guess to each person that is a different thing.
Growing up, I was made to think that everything I did was a failure, never measuring up. A lot of that feeling has followed me into adulthood, so I am a bad judge of whether what I do is a success or not.
Lately, I have been thinking about what other people think of as “successful.” Some folks live and die off of other people’s approval. For an artist especially, it is hard to not look to others to appreciate your work and deem it ART.
In college one summer, I was fortunate enough to take a music appreciation class from a professor who was to retire at the end of the year. He and I got into a heated debate after class one day on whether art was still art if no one ever saw it. I said yes, he said no. He claimed that without an audience it didn’t count as art. I said if you painted a beautiful picture and then burned it before anyone saw it, then you destroyed art. Isn’t the enjoyment you got out of creating it and the fact that it was created at all worth the title ART? He said no. As a musician he said that if I sang to no one in a closed room I had not created art. Just one other person in the room to appreciate your song changed all of that. We went back and forth after several classes- he never gave in and neither did I. But I did love the discussions!
I still hate to think that all of the songs I sing alone in my studio, that bring me such joy in my solitude, are not art. I hate to think that all of the pieces I have painted or drawn, then tossed, were not art solely because I did not get someone else’s opinion!
Which brings me back to success. If we are happy where we are, doing what we are doing, aren’t we a success? My husband says that if you are a garbage man, but happy and doing your best every day then you are more of a success than a CEO who hates his job and gives the minimum each day. I agree. But the outside world doesn’t always see it that way.
This past year I worked for a non profit, teaching drama and art to inner city kids. I left most days feeling like a failure. The times I saw a small glimmer of success were few and very short lived. I really had no hope to cling to, so I did what any sane person would do, I opted up for another year at a more involved capacity with the organization! Why?
I guess I am hoping that eventually the good days will multiply. I guess I figure pulling success out of failure will be rewarding, and it might be- if it doesn’t kill me first! Maybe I have too big of an ego to just walk away feeling like a failure.
Everyone talks about how we are all made differently, but they really don’t want any of us to deviate too far from the path. If we are a Southern woman, we better be ready with a casserole and a cake. If our kids are about to graduate from high school they better have a college plan. And it better include a professional plan that will make some serious cash.
My friend who cuts my hair decided out of high school that she would go to cosmetology school. In this success oriented community she got lots of sad looks and lots of people tried to tell her to at least try college. She didn’t. Now, 25 years later, she is still happy to be cutting hair. Most college graduates can’t say that they are still working in their field of study and liking it!! To me she is a success.
Writing, which I love (obviously!) and theatre, which is my passion, are two areas where I struggle with success. I do both for me, but I feel like I have to get feedback to know how I am doing. But waiting on other’s opinions is a very slippery slope!
Maybe art with no audience is the purest form of art. You can let go and not worry about what anyone else thinks. I wonder what my professor would think of that. Since he passed on only a couple of years after he retired, I guess I’ll never know what he thinks (unless he is waiting on me to start back up our discussion!)
For now, all I can do is keep on pushing- being honest in what I write, honest in how I act and probably always dubious about whether I am a success or not! But I guess if I am having fun, does it matter?
