Yesterday, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I heard a sports talk show asking people who had been married a long time to share how they have succeeded in their marriages. I heard lots of people who think they have it all figured out.
It made me start thinking about my own marriage and the “rules” for how we have stayed married for 35 years.
What I realized while driving, listening and thinking was that I have absolutely no idea what has made our marriage last 35 years. I am smart enough to know that what works for one couple probably won’t work for the next. I realized that we have no “rules”, we are just winging it.
I do know that you can not expect another person to complete you. You need to be two full and separate people to make things work. Thinking you can be half a person and suddenly find someone who makes you whole is not very realistic. That is a lot of pressure to put on someone else!!
I believe that someone can bring out the best in you, can help you to believe in yourself, and make life more complete, but you had better be a whole person before you take on living with someone else. Half of a person probably can’t handle it!
In the play I just directed there is a line about how wedding vows say “for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, but nowhere does it say anything about 24/7!”
And that is so true. I don’t think any two people want to be together every minute of every day from this day forward. No one person can possibly fill all of our needs and never get on our nerves. We need the rest of the world to help us get through.
My husband and I are very different. He likes action movies, I like deep, meaningful films. I like plays full of conflict and remorse, Tim likes slapstick and musicals. I am a neat freak who wants everything in its proper place, Tm doesn’t believe in closets when you can just pile everything on the floor. I am a healthy eater, Tim likes junk. I believe in quality over quantity, Tim thinks if a little is good, a lot is better.
We have learned how to compromise and how to let the other person do their own thing. Tim spends time with his guys at the drag races, I go to fashion shows and decorator show houses with my friends. Tim goes out to weld and I stay in to read and sew.
I have taught Tim to love theatre and he has taught me to appreciate power tools. I have taught Tim to be open to new people and experiences and he has taught me to be more charitable and giving. Together we have forged a life that is a mixture of both of our best selves, while leaving each one to still be an independent individual.
Early on, I realized I had no interest in racing, but why should that stop Tim from pursuing that hobby? And Tim has no interest in fashion, so he dresses how he wants and I dress the way I want. If I have on a fancy dress and he has on shorts to go out, so be it.
In the past few weeks I have had to put aside what I had planned to take care of Tim while he recovered from surgery. I didn’t give that a second thought. It is just what you do. Love doesn’t ask for a pat on the back when you do for each other, love just does.
It only reinforced what I always say- marriage is not 50-50. If you are thinking it will be, forget it! Some days you have to give 100% and the other person gives nothing, because sometimes they have nothing to give. Other days they might have to carry you. Sometimes you work together, but one of you is a tad more versed in what is going on, so you share 60-40. Hardly ever is a whole day 50-50. Somewhere, somehow it all evens out. (If it gets too one sided for too long, then you have to talk!)
Yesterday, for Valentine’s Day, I just had no clue what to get for Tim, so I brought home Chick-Fil-A, bought tickets for a movie he wanted to see and drove us there. Tim made me a beautiful silver tulip for the wall and had gotten me a meaningful t-shirt. I felt like I hadn’t done much, it seemed pretty one sided, but somehow I think we were both happy.
When someone drives you crazy, yet they are still the first person you want to tell about anything that happens, anything that you think, any of your dreams, then you have something special. When you are happy to drop everything to take care of someone, then you have something special. When you are willing to put someone else ahead of yourself and they want to do the same for you, then you have something special.
When you are confident enough to let someone else be who they were meant to be, to let them shine as brightly as they can with no jealousy, then you have something special. When simply being around them just makes you happy, even after 35 years, then you have something special.
When Tim and I got married, promising to be together forever seemed scary! So we decided to put a limit on how long we were willing to stay together. We agreed to an amount of time that seemed doable, and after that amount of time reassess if we wanted to continue.
We decided on 87 years. After that time we would take a look at things and decide whether to continue with this little experiment. In the meantime, we continue to hang out together through thick and thin.
We spend time doing our own thing, so that we can have fresh things to tell each other. We sometimes see different movies at the same time, or go two different directions in order to live the life we want. But we always rush back together to share what we have seen and done.
I haven’t figured out the secret to a long, happy marriage. I think, like most things, it is different for everyone. I do know that in 52 more years I have to decide if I want to renew this deal I made with Tim 35 years ago. As of right now, I say I DO!
