I have a few things to get off of my chest.
First, sometimes I am not happy. Shocker, I know!
Life is wonderful and I am grateful for everything. That doesn’t mean that sometimes I am not angry or sad or hurt.
When I am not purposely trying to convey a certain emotion, either on stage or for social purposes, my face is an open book. I am very expressive which is both a good thing and a bad. I had a teacher who once told me she knew exactly what I was thinking as she taught our class.
Sometimes I don’t want to smile. Sometimes life isn’t all sunshine and lollipops. Sometimes I am thinking or concerned or depressed.
It seems perfectly OK to some people to tell me to smile. I have to think it is a female thing, because I have rarely heard a man say to another man, “Smile- you are so much prettier when you smile!” However, men say it to women all of the time. And sometimes women say it to other women.
I am not always wanting to smile. I am 60 years old- I can make that decision for myself.
Sometimes I walk around with a “knowing smile” just to make people wonder. Sometimes I walk around with a huge “I am SO happy smile!” just because I am so happy. Sometimes I am not so happy, so back off.
Secondly, do not tell me what to do, what to watch on TV, and what is appropriate for my gender or age. I refer you to the above statement- I am 60 and I will do what I want. More than likely what you are doing is no better, you just seem to be able to justify it in your mind. I don’t have to justify anything I do, I’m just doing it.
And lastly, I do not know what I am going to do next. I appreciate the interest, I really do. I have no idea.
I have missed a few auditions that I really wanted to go to and I am sort of sad about that. Let me tell you something about myself.
I am not going to an audition for a show without at least thinking there is a possibility of getting a part. You have to go into the game thinking there is a chance you can win. I study and prepare for auditions, it is never a rash decision. So I pre-read scripts and know if there is something for me.
Above all, I look at my schedule. I don’t think it is fair to say I can do a show (which I feel going to an audition says I am here and available) and then have so many conflicts that I miss rehearsals or come in dragging because I spread myself too thin.
Each time I head out to try out I have to know that I can give myself over to the process with all of my energy. Right now I don’t feel like I can do that honestly. Life is busy!
I am waiting for the right time to jump back in. I hope that will be soon. When I do, I will give 100%.
In the meantime I will be over here contemplating, being me and possibly NOT smiling. It’s fine, I promise.
