Seeing Clearly

All of the grades are in and posted and although I have promised my voice teacher that I will be there for the final today and for juries tomorrow, officially I am done. Three years ago I planned to walk away from this with a BFA in musical theatre, which I now have and with the confidence to sing and perform in the way I always thought that I could. I am not so sure about that one! Confidence is a crazy thing. You either have it or you don’t. Now I don’t mean that you are born with it, even though I do think we are predisposed to such things. But I do feel like we teach ourselves how to behave in this regard. Our parents play a big part in this, but at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself. The bad thing is, by the time you are old enough to ignore your parents’ voices, your own negative voice takes over.

I see the kids at school who claim to be a “triple threat” as far as their talent, or who post pictures of themselves and comment on how cute they are. That sort of confidence is more foreign to me than anything I can imagine. And after so many years of my inner voice berating me, it has been a struggle to stand up in front of these uber confident young people. But I have done it and in the process I have realized they are not always as confident as they appear (well some of them are delusional, but that is another story) and I personally have more that I can grab hold of and believe in about myself than I ever realized.

I have had meetings and informal gatherings with most of my professors in the past week. And I kind of think I have learned more this past week than in the three years of school! Not really, but it definitely was eye opening and a culmination of my time at school. My exit interview was very polite. Had I had it last December it might not have been. But now I just wanted to say good bye and leave. I had an early final with a couple of other graduating seniors, two of the “stars” of the department if you will. And I felt honored just to be in the same room with them, much less lumped in with them as the professor spoke about our commitment, dedication and talent. It made me feel capable. And then I met with my adviser, who told me the one thing I came to college to hear. I have heard it in subtle ways, but I have also heard negative things in subtle ways that seemed to stick with me longer than the positive. I just needed to hear something positive, clearly and out loud.

Growing up I never heard “I love you” or “I am proud of you.” All I heard was “Why did you get one B instead of all A’s?” “What is wrong with you?” “You are ugly.” (My parents tell me now that they loved me, they just never said it. I needed to hear it!) After all of these years, I still hear the negative remarks in my head. So I needed to hear something positive out loud, on that day, from that person. I am talented and I am enough. I am enough- I heard that phrase bantered around a lot during “The Heidi Chronicles” and I have to confess it got on my nerves. It got to be just words when repeated over and over. When I danced my final someone yelled “You are enough” and I rolled my eyes. It had become like “Have a nice day” or “How are you?” Something so many people say, but don’t really mean. But in that moment, when said straight to me by my adviser, eye to eye, it seemed real.

I headed home after that meeting and as I drove, a few tears formed in my eyes. The water floating in my eyes made my not quite perfect, surgically corrected eyesight become amazingly crystal clear. I was taken aback by how sharp everything came into view as I drove out of Montevallo. And then it hit me what a lovely metaphor this was for the experience I have just had in Montevallo. I have learned so many things, but hopefully the main lesson will be to just be me, accept me, know that I am enough and to see myself and the world more clearly from now on.