Usually when I feel the urge to write, there is something weighing on my mind that becomes clearer as I write. Where I see no lesson or redeeming point to what I am writing about, by the end I sort of see one. When I wrote yesterday about cleaning up after Christmas, I finished feeling I had made no point or had no lesson to share.
Many times after I write, I wait a few hours and read it again, just to be sure it still makes sense and says what I wanted to say. When I went back to read yesterday’s post, I finally saw the lesson. It was not about being organized or family traditions- it was about repairs.
When I get ready to put away my Christmas things, there are usually a few repairs to make. An ornament that gets knocked off of the tree by the cat or when I go to take it down, a figurine with a small chip, etc. I glue and fix what I can. Some things are just not worth fixing, others are beyond repair.
If it seems like it is fixable, but I know it is beyond my abilities to fix, I’ll walk it out to Tim’s studio so that he can assess if there is any point in trying. Most times he can do something about the problem (he can fix most anything!!) but sometimes even Tim can’t fix what has broken.
As I thought about that, I realized I had more broken things this year than normal. Not ornaments and figurines, but relationships and hearts. I have spent some time thinking about the year and realized that some of the “broken things” might can be fixed. Others are just beyond repair and I have to let them go and still other things seem salvageable, I just don’t know how to fix them by myself.
I have written some letters of apology. I have also written some letters trying to defend myself. A lot of those letters will never get sent. Some did. Either way, spelling it out helped me to see what I need to do to make repairs or move on. One of the letters that was not sent was all a defense and I just had a hard time with the apology part because the whole mess is too much for me to repair. So I just sent a text of Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and decided to turn that situation over to the One who can fix things the way they need to be fixed. Sometimes I am just too weak to realize some things can’t and shouldn’t be fixed. I prayed about it and now I can leave it alone.
Other relationships are gone forever in the way that I had them before. Nothing I can do will bring them back. When the cat knocked the souvenir ornament off of the tree and it smashed, all I could do was cry and clean it up, forgive the cat and move on.
Maybe in reality it is easier to just throw out the broken things and forget about them. Many times those apologies and defenses just stir up controversy which is something most people shy away from. I am not a fan of controversy, but sometimes you have to walk through that to get to the other side. Sometimes broken things are worth at least trying to fix, especially if they have history and meaning.
My ornaments are repaired the best way that I could repair them, or thrown away with sadness if I could not. My relationships will take a little longer to sort out. Overall, I have learned to be more forgiving (although I have a LONG way to go!) and to be easier on myself. It has been a year of lessons and in all honesty, that is a good thing.