When I was younger, I used to think that I did my best painting when I was sad. The sadder, the better. Looking back at some of my journals, I realize I was sad a lot.
Being honest, much of my sadness went away when I found Tim. It is very difficult to be sad around him!
I still have my moments of sadness. And although I rarely paint anymore, I am not sure if sadness would make a difference now or not. My life is so different and so much better.
Today, however, I became overcome with sadness. It was so overwhelming that I left half of my errands in the outside world undone and just came home.
I had lunch with three of my dearest friends earlier. We meet once a month for lunch and fellowship. Being around them is always uplifting, fun and often inspiring. They are the kind of people I like to be surrounded by- positive, open minded and willing to have the hard discussions.
This morning was no exception. I don’t know if it is the fact that it is cold and dreary outside (it feels like it has been dreary for weeks!) or if I was just in a strange mood, but listening to their discussion really got to me.
After running a couple of my errands, I realized that I just couldn’t continue. I didn’t feel like crying in the Bed Bath and Beyond line was very jolly, so I did what had to be done today and the rest could wait for tomorrow.
After returning to the safety and warmth of my home, I realized part of what got me so bummed was an old insecurity seeping back in. I thought I had gotten over this particular problem, but I guess maybe not.
I always rethink every word that comes out of my mouth and in that retrospection I always come up lacking. When I write, I consider every word as I type it, then I reread, change, reword and rethink many times before I hit the “publish” button. I still don’t say all of the right things, but at least I give myself time to contemplate and reconsider.
In live discussions, I used to be prone to thinking through what I wanted to say so thoroughly that I ended up missing the opportunity to speak altogether. By the time I had my words formulated, the conversation had moved on.
When I first went back to college, I often missed saying things in class discussions because of this. Slowly, I worked at speaking more off the cuff and thought I had gotten better at sharing my views and not analyzing each word I had chosen for days after.
Today the discussion was about the state of the world. I was having a hard time being optimistic in light of some of the things that were said. I kept thinking, my mind churning. To be honest, my views are not fully formed. I see many sides to these issues, but I know what I feel. I know how I don’t want to live- scared. I know how I want to conduct myself.
Finally someone called me out for being too quiet. I felt I had to say something, and I did. What I said, I am not sure. I know that I threw in an expletive, something this group of women rarely does, something I do too often.
There are so many things to be thankful for. I spend much more time writing about those things than the scary, upsetting things that are happening in the world. I have not lost sight of my blessings. But can we really ignore the world spinning out of control around us? Can we make light of the news? Can we pretend all is merry and bright, when people suffer and the clouds seem to be overtaking the sun?
I enjoy deep discussions. Intelligent conversation, opposing views and intense debate are my jam. Only seeing the world through rose colored glasses is part of what has gotten us to this point in the world. For several years we thought many of the problems of race, hate, guns, and anger were solved and we continued on in our little bubble.
Bubbles pop. Times have changed. Being unrealistic gets you nowhere if you plan to be in the real world. And today, for a moment, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I am feeling better now. It is not in my nature to be sad for long, just in spurts. A rehearsal with talented, creative souls, a few moments of calm with my cat and a cup of hot tea will get me back on the hopeful, positive side of life.
But I know that somewhere there looms the issues I confronted today. And I know that I cannot ignore the things that wait out in the real world.
Yes, I can only control me and what I do. Yes, I have to try to do my small part. Yes, I need to keep hope alive in my own household.
Yet, it is not in me to live that small and unrealistic. It is not in me to only look for the good and hope that makes the bad magically go away. It is more in me to meet it head on, take it out and examine it and then hope that with real work, real action, real life, I can do something that makes a difference.
