I really try to have a point when I blog. I try to make each post a self contained “story”. I want to have a beginning, middle, and end. I know that all of the stories need to go together and that I often mention things from past posts, but I do try to make a cohesive piece each time I write.
Today might just be the exception.
Yesterday was a very odd day, not bad, just different. I got to have lunch with one of my best friends at school which was great, especially because he is about to leave and go to Russia for the fall semester. If ever you are going to drop everything and study somewhere far away like Russia, it is when you are young! I am very excited for him even though I will miss him terribly!
I also had chemistry lab and Manny was not there so I had a new partner. I am glad I can help Manny, but it is a lot of pressure, so this lab was more relaxed- even if we did blow up things! Manny’s nurse had told me that he was scared last time we had lab, because he knew we were going to work with acids. He was afraid I would get acid on him. I guess I understand that he has reason to be afraid. He can’t see what I am doing and he really does not know me at all! I could be a clumsy, nitwit, 20 something that would do such a thing for all he knows! I think he was not there yesterday because he was afraid I would blow him up! But you can’t just tell someone you are reliable, you have to just be reliable.
Today, a different lady brought Manny to class and after she asked us where to put him (like he was a thing rather than a person) she left. She soon came back and roughly pulled off his sunglasses (which he always wears) and said, “You don’t need those, you look silly with them.” Manny did not say a word. She left and soon afterwards I saw Manny laboriously take him right arm and slowly put his sunglasses back on. It took a great deal of effort and he missed one ear and had to really work to get it corrected. I don’t sit near him in class, but I don’t know if I would have helped him anyway. Sometimes, you just want to do things for yourself, that much I do know. I did feel for him, to the point of getting teary eyed for a moment and getting angry with the woman who brought him today. I was reminded again how much we take for granted.
Back to yesterday. I ran by Reynold’s, the theatre building, to check the call board. I haven’t been by there since the first day of the summer term. As I entered the building I had a very strong negative feeling, a “bad vibe.” I still have not figured that out, but it has really bugged me. Standing by the call board was a short, Asian young man. He looked at me as I came up the stairs and asked me, in a very strong Asian accent, if I worked in the theatre department. I told him no, I was a student there. He asked me again and again if I worked there and I was finally able to convince him that I was indeed a student. He asked me if I knew anything about RENT. I have seen the original RENT on Broadway, recently saw it off Broadway and several times with touring companies. I knew the soundtrack by heart back in the day. Somehow I got the feeling that he did not want a synopsis, but I was not sure what he did want. Then he said he was wanting to audition and wanted to know when that would be. I told him it would be the first week of school, fall semester. He told me no, that they were already rehearsing it and he knew that, but he wanted to audition anyway and hoped they would let him in the chorus at this late date. I assured him they were not already rehearsing and that I was almost positive that auditions would be the first week of school in the fall. He was not satisfied with my answer so I left him standing there and walked out. I decided I would come back to check out the call board later! The moment I walked out into the sunshine I thought my bad feeling would go away. It did not!
In class today, the professor mentioned playing in branches as a child. He talked about building forts in the woods out of them and playing in the forts for hours. Evidently there were a lot of blank stares from the students because Dr. Byrd said, “Didn’t you guys play like that when you were younger?” Everyone but me shook their heads. My mind wandered to the two scars on my legs from the forts I built as a child. I remember the long process of designing and building the fort out of fallen limbs and old pieces of corrugated tin roofing I found. I remember spending time in the fort, reading or just hanging out. I was by myself since my brother had nothing to do with me (or the rest of the family for that matter) and since I lived in the zoo I had no neighbors. But I did enjoy having this place outside, all to myself. I feel sorry for the current younger generation who seems to spend all of their time at a computer, or watching TV or playing video games. I know all of the skills you learn playing video games, but I doubt they compare to designing a free standing structure out of sticks and scraps and then actually building it. Childhood is different these days. Do you really want your child out in the heat, in the woods, alone nowadays? Probably not! Would you freak when they came into the house with a gash down to the bone on their leg? I am not even sure I showed my wound to my mom, I am sure she was watching soap operas, not fixating on my every move. Just a different time!
My mind has been wandering too much lately. I have been thinking about the past, about the future, about the difference between me and everyone else I know. I have been thinking about what I know and what I don’t know. I have been thinking about what in the world I am getting this degree for, especially after my weird feeling yesterday and my conversation with Michael at lunch yesterday. I know I am good at chemistry- I made a 99 on one test and 101 on the second one. I do not know if I am any good at acting. You can’t really score that and it is subjective anyway. I really wish someone would just say, “NO, you are not good and that is why we are pushing you off to do your BFA project with no support.” “You have no future in this and we are just tolerating you for however long you hang in there.” Because I will stick it out and I will get this degree and then what? College is when you should find out the truth.
These days kids get a certificate just for participating. Everyone on the team gets a trophy. It doesn’t mean they are any good, just that they showed up. In my day, it wasn’t like that. I see people now in college being shuffled on along and actually graduating. They don’t show up for class, they do the very least possible and yet I see them graduate. It makes me question everything. Oh, I know I am working hard and making excellent grades just because that is who I am. But theatre is not just about doing the work. Don’t get me wrong, it is very important to be a hard worker, to be prepared, to have a strong work ethic, etc. But in the arts you have to have some spark of talent that all of this work ignites into your performance. And I am getting very discouraged that for all of my work, there is no talent there to build on. I know that is the old voices playing in my head again, but some of my conversations yesterday brought them up.
OK, I have rambled enough. Maybe remembering my time in my childhood fort, reading and imagining and singing songs I made up on the spot, brought back up all of the past, good and bad. Maybe it made me remember how defeated I felt then and it is making me feel defeated now. Fall will be interesting, that is for sure. All I can do is keep moving and keep learning and keep working. And maybe someone will tell me the truth, I don’t want a certificate just for participating!
