Last night I went to a high school football game. I am usually very intent on the game and not all of the fluff around it, like the band and cheerleaders. Although I was a cheerleader and appreciate all that they do and their talents and athletic ability, I spent too many years carefully watching my son and his friends on the field. Last night though, I watched the cheerleaders for a while and made an observation about myself that was kind of an epiphany, what Oprah calls “an ah-ha moment.”
Yesterday, one of my professors pointed out to me that the other students in my major have spent their whole (short) lives doing nothing but preparing for these auditions and shows at school. They have taken dance and voice for years, they have done theatre in their high schools and participated in show choir for the past several years. The whole focus for most of them has been “show biz!” And now their whole focus is class and lessons and doing whatever show comes available, auditioning continuously.
I, on the other hand, have raised a family, worked, helped my husband run a successful business and done tons of volunteer work throughout the community. Occasionally I did a show when one presented itself that would not interfere with traveling with my husband or supporting my son whenever he took the field. My priority was not theatre or even myself during all of that. Even now, when I really need to focus, I still have to put school second in my life most of the time so that dinner ends up on the table, the laundry gets done and when my family has a health issue, I am available.
My professor also said the kids at school were full of “piss and vinegar”, full of themselves, something I am not. But I don’t think she took something else into consideration, my persistence, my drive. They may be all cocky about their abilities but will they still be pushing as hard in 35 years when they are my age and life has beaten them back?? Don’t underestimate the power of perseverance. And NEVER underestimate me!
But in watching those cheerleaders last night I saw a pattern in my life, one I blame on my Dad, as I often do, but at my age I have no one to blame any longer but myself. When I was a child and interested in theatre my Dad snatched me out at about the age of 9 after I had done 4 or 5 productions. I think I have told you, I was taken to the theatre because it was his hobby of the week and mom needed a break from being “mom” all day to me and my baby brother. So at four and a half years old, I tagged along to the theatre where I began getting bigger parts than my Dad and eventually lots of attention for my abilities. So Dad moved on to another hobby and I was forced to abandon my dreams. Although I asked I never received dance or voice lessons.
At about 11 years old I asked for a piano. Again, I think I have shared this story but it fits into my new revelation. When I asked for a piano, I told him all I wanted was an old upright because I really wanted to learn to play. I could read music, was playing the clarinet in the band, but it is difficult to play clarinet and sing at the same time! I knew piano was the way to go. My dad readily agreed which I remember as being very unusual, usually we all had to fight him for anything we wanted. So we went piano shopping. Eventually he and my mom fell in love with a brand new baby grand which they thought would look lovely in our living room so they bought it. It was delivered the day before my birthday and it was gorgeous, more than I had ever hoped for. About a week later my dad came in and announced that he had found a teacher and HE would begin piano lessons the next week. Never again was it mentioned that I might get lessons and to this day it is his piano and I have never had a lesson. I have told many friends that when he dies I plan to take the piano, which is in awful shape with big chunks out of the legs and scratches all over it, and throw it over a cliff. Some have offered to help me after hearing this story!
In high school I really wanted to be a cheerleader. I had learned a few gymnastics moves from my Dad who had done some “tumbling” in college and I had picked up some more from friends who took lessons. Although it was not the huge industry it is now, there were gymnastic and cheerleading schools back then and most of the girls who made cheerleader as freshmen had taken these classes. I, of course, had not. It didn’t matter because once my father found out I was trying out for cheerleaader, my mom had signed the permission slip, he forbid me to audition and I dropped out midweek. As a sophomore I forged my mom’s signature and tried out again but the day before the final try out, my dad again found out and forbid me to continue so I dropped out again. My junior year I tried out for the last time. This audition was to cheer my senior year and it was my last chance. I forged the signature again and I saved my money so I could pay for it all myself. I had friends promise to help me get to games since I had no driver’s license or car and I secretly tried out. For three years I had observed, learned and practiced. And after all I had been through and with less preparation than most, I made the squad. And cheering my senior year was to this day one of the best, most fun things I have ever done. It changed me in ways I can’t put into words.
So as I watched those cheerleaders last night, much more polished and prepared than I had ever been, supported by their parents and all of the years of cheer camps and gymnastics lessons, I had my epiphany. Anything I have ever gone into in my life I started totally unprepared. I cheered without the usual preparation, I did theatre with only the training the little ladies in the chorus gave me as they knitted waiting for their turn on stage. I learned to read music in a hodge podge of “lessons” by the accompanist of those shows when I was 5 and 6 years old and then in grade school as I learned the clarinet. I managed a professional dinner theatre by starting as a hostess there at 19 and working my way up to manager by the time I was 21. I went to work at a bank as a teller and on my first day was “accidentally” put in a window with almost no training and did just fine thank you. (Everyone always said I just had a “natural head for business.”) But I did take banking courses and worked my way up. I taught preschool for 5 years, with only the training of watching other teachers at my son Jon’s elementary school while working in the media center (library). I was head teacher at the preschool within 2 years because I studied curriculum and child development so carefully. So although I seem to enter into things pretty unprepared, I manage. I have managed very well, thank you!
That brings me to now. I am in this for the long haul, prepared or not. I have had voice lessons for many years but was not very dedicated because I could not believe I deserved them, I deserve them now. I have never had dance lessons, I am starting private lessons Monday morning, I will learn it now. I have known in my heart I could act, and even though I still have doubts, I will try to believe it and act now.
So no, I am not as prepared as some of these kids and I am not all full of myself. I have the good sense to have some self doubt. But I have something they don’t have and may never have. I have succeeded against the odds, I have lived a very exciting life, full of travel and adventure. I have had deep sorrow and pure joy. I have given birth, again against the odds, and I have shared my life with someone for almost 30 years. I have watched a friend as she was dying and I have been with friends as they brought new babies home. I have watched people go through horrible pain, great joy, total loss and rebirth. I have helped teenagers through conflict and taught three year olds how to count and read. I have introduced groups of youth to flying and New York City and white water rafting. I have loved and hated, not like a 19 year old with a crush or a “love” of their latest video game but for real and deeply.
So don’t tell me how prepared these kids are and what they have over me. They can’t even begin to know what I know, or do what I can do. And I have more drive in my little finger than they do in their whole body. So watch out, prepared or not, here I come.
