In trying to find what path to follow I often get lost. I think I am heading in the right direction only to have someone or something derail me. I am easily derailed. (I know that is a fault, don’t text me and tell me!) I began a very different and difficult path 4 years ago. And now I am wondering if I need to keep on that path or change to a new one. (Or retreat to the old original one from years before!) None of it seems sure, none of it seems clear.
I decided to take a break while I thought about the future. I began the break with a trip to the beach. For 4 days I laid in the sun, took long walks and ate lots of seafood. I did not look at the computer and only sent a few texts, mostly to check on my cat and my son, who was taking care of my cat. I saw no facebook posts, emails or tweets. I looked at the news once a day on TV just to make sure nothing major had happened. I would hope someone would let me know if we were under attack or the Zombie Apocalypse had begun, but you never know.
I did a lot of thinking, I also did a lot of nonthinking. See, the beach is “my place.” It is where I feel at peace. It is the only place where I relax, completely. It is where I can think clearly. It is where I see how big the world is and how little I am. It is where I see God. I haven’t been there in over 3 years and that is a long time to go without being in “your place.” It is an eternity to go without feeling relaxed and connected to the natural world around you. (Again, I know many people in this world are always tense, always in stress, despair, or war. I know I am fortunate to have a place to go and relax!)
While at the beach I went to a little book store I love. I could spend all day in a book store and leave bankrupt from all of the purchases! But on this occasion the book store was pretty crowded, so I didn’t linger reading book jackets. I wandered around and picked up an interesting book and then saw a cute book of cat poems that I thought my cat Penny could give Jon as a thank you for taking care of her. Then right by the cash register I saw a tiny book by Cassandra King. She is an author I enjoy, but above that she was the speaker at my graduation. This small book looked like it would be “cute” so without opening it at all I grabbed it up.
I have spent the week since I got home putting away the vacation things, beach towels, bathing suits, etc. I also had a few costumes to finish putting away as well as some props that were still in the dishwasher. Finally yesterday I got everything put away and my office floor is once again visible! I can sit on my chair and daybed in there and I feel at peace with the world. I have cleaned the house and gotten my hair cut and today I cleaned the back porch and hung mason jar lights from the maple tree. Flags adorn the front of my door and a row in the front of my lawn. I have wicker stars on the mantle and the dinner table and fresh fruits and vegetables fill my kitchen.
I decided to sit on my back porch for a minute and look at the small book I had impulsively bought at the check out table of that independent bookstore. I read inside the book jacket and then the intro. It was then clear the jewel I held in my hand. This was no random, cute little book about “southern girls.” It was the commencement speech given at MY graduation, turned into book form. It began “The University of Montevallo’s commencement address was delivered in May 2013 by alumna Cassandra King.” It goes on to give a brief history of the school and the author’s inspiration for writing her books as well as this address.
The day of my graduation came flooding back. The cold rain that forced us indoors rather than on Flower Hill, where every UM student hopes to graduate. (I saw the graduation film from this year and after seeing the girls who struggled in their cute wedges while walking across the uneven grass, I think maybe I was not as unfortunate to be inside as I originally thought!) I remember the people who were there for me, and those who were conspicuous with their absence. I remember the graduation cap ( I hate wearing hats) that would not stay straight on my head and how ridiculous I looked and felt trying to pull it forward over and over. I remember all of the honor chords I wore with such pride, that now gather dust in my den. I remember thinking that I was probably experiencing the end of my acting career as I played the part of a college coed, graduating with honors. I remember the hope I felt at Ms. King’s words. Words that told me I could do or be anything and to heck with “rules” that told us how to be polite Southern belles. I knew she was challenging the young people about to step out into the real world, a world I had already navigated for decades, but for that one day I could pretend she was talking to me.
Finding this small book reminded me of what she said. It told me that maybe she was talking to me and if I didn’t think so that day, maybe I could think so a year later. In that year I have pushed hard to make sure I hadn’t studied for nothing and have pushed myself to audition for half a dozen plays, most of which I got cast in. I have proved to almost everyone I didn’t just go to school to get a random degree. And no Dr. You- Know- Who, I was not just a bored housewife who needed something to do! I have thrived since graduation. And the fall holds new adventures working with The Overflow Foundation and hopefully, eventually being cast in more shows.
Maybe this book is reminding me that the path I chose was definitely different, but that is OK. And being unsure and confused is just part of life. Having this book find it’s way to me has reminded me that I had a dream and I have made it come true. And that maybe being old doesn’t mean she wasn’t talking to me too that day at graduation. Maybe I was old enough to be the one person who really listened- I just didn’t completely believe. Maybe it is time I do. Ms. King notes, “books let us know we’re not alone in this world…” I am definitely not alone! (And isn’t that what a good play does as well?) The author has done this for me, maybe I should be more open to doing that for others. I am still not sure what path I will follow. I am thinking I won’t choose a path right now, but enjoy wandering for a bit. But maybe I should believe and know that whatever path I am led to take will lead me somewhere amazing!
