(NOTE-For those of you who don’t know- I went to an inner city, predominantly black high school. I actually lived “over the mountain” in one of the wealthiest areas in the state, but because the sliver of land the zoo sits on is owned by the city of Birmingham, when the area I lived in started their own school system, I had to venture to the other side of the mountain and into the valley many miles to attend high school. I thought it was the end of the world, but in actuality it was one of the best things ever. We were very fortunate in the turbulent early 70’s to have no violence at our school. Other area schools were not as lucky. We all either figured out how to get along or just left each other alone. All of our clubs and extra curricular activities were well integrated and we all just seemed to act right. It was a great environment for life lessons, even though I realized when I went off to college that I had a bit of catching up to do academically. I was an honor student and very involved in lots of activities, cheerleading, sorority, drama, etc., but could tell when I hit college I had been a bit cheated in preparation for classes. Not so for life- I had seen and done a lot that was beneficial for getting along in a myriad of situations. I could catch up quickly academically by extra studying, the life lessons were invaluable and I could not have gotten those any other way!)
The last two days of this week were kind of life changing. Not in a monumental way that I can some day look back and remember the dates, but in a way that nonetheless changed me. I felt a little bit better on Wednesday so I did not go to the doctor. Our workshop for that night was cancelled, so I figured another good night’s sleep would be the best medicine. I woke up Thursday feeling horrid! I went to school and as soon as my first class began I remembered that I had not really done our assignment. Oh, I had thought about it a lot, I just had a block. Or maybe I had too many ideas. I couldn’t just hone in on one. So I had not made a choice and done what I needed to do. On the drive to school I had kind of thought of something that might fit what I needed to do, so when I got there 30 minutes early I had written out my life event- one from high school. Most of my life events seem to come after that. High school was kind of an island all to its own. I did not live near my classmates, I had not grown up with them. I went to school with them for 4 years then left and rarely, if ever, have seen them again. So this story kind of hit me out of the blue, even though it was life changing in its own way.
When we got in class we were to write about the characters of this event in preparation for writing a 3-5 minute play about the incident. We had to describe them and then write journal entries in their voices. My first character was easy to describe. He was my favorite teacher and I can see him as if he were standing in front of me. In actuality I haven’t seen him in 35 years, he died over 20 years ago. The odd experience was describing and writing as the second character- the student- me. However, her description was anything but me. My hand and pencil took over and next thing I knew I had completely described someone I have never seen or thought of and yet I knew her so well. I have nothing in common with her and yet everything in common with her. I wrote pages and pages and had to go back and read it because I had no idea what I had done. I chalked it up to illness and moved on to my next class.
My next class was dance. And we were suppose to perform our little routine today. We went outside to warm up and although it was a beautiful day and I would rather be outside than anywhere, I got hot and out of breath quickly. I am just not well!!! We went back inside and as we spun and twirled across the floor, my head spun and twirled even more! As it approached the time to show off our work, I was too tired and sick to care. And when our sweet teacher said this was not for a grade but for fun, I decided that was all I had in me- to have a little fun. And for the first time dancing, I just had fun. Now keep that in context. Doing something poorly is never going to be really fun for me, the perfectionist, but I was just ill enough to not care so much. So we danced! And I remembered a lot more of it than I had thought I would. And I laughed. Afterwards, I hugged the girl in our group who had sent me step by step instructions and who was my rock during the process. I only met her 3 weeks ago, but already she is one of my favorites. She is graceful, kind, a great dancer and many of the things I wish I could be. I like being around her and her sweet spirit. I would not have had as much fun if I had not had her notes to study away from class or her inspiration standing in front of me throughout the routine. But I left there hopeful that I could transfer that abandon and fun to other things in class, even when I was back well and my old prissy self.
I then left campus and quickly went to the doctor! I have a viral infection that had swollen my inner ear and that is why I was so dizzy. My sinuses were also affected which made for horrible headaches and a stuffed up feeling. After a shot in the butt and some meds I could feel my head open up and I literally spent the night hearing waterfalls in my head as the fluid drained. I woke up with a runny nose which is actually a good thing and a scratchy throat from all of the drainage all night, but I know all of this is necessary to recover!
On Friday morning I recorded accompaniment tracks with the pianist for our department, and we had a nice talk afterwards. She is a real world grown up that understands me and what I go through more than anyone at school, I think. From there I sat outside and ate a snack so I could take my medicine before heading to class. Now this class, as I told you last post, is a studio class and I KNOW and I have told you that it is private because of that. Not CIA private, but nonetheless I try to respect my fellow classmates. Not just in this class though, in all of my classes. However, the whole point of this blog is to share my experiences and feelings through this process for the people who are not there with me. Since this has grown to thousands of readers, I know that I don’t personally know you all. And assume everyone I DO know reads it as well. But while I try to not name names or tell details, my thoughts and feelings are not up for censorship and I try to tell you everything. It is a fine line sometimes and maybe sometimes I cross it. I am trying my best. However, I am not going to stop sharing my thoughts and feelings about this experience.
In this class Friday, though, I had another strange experience. After the last 2 autoramas were performed at the first of class, we pulled our chairs in a circle to discuss our presentations. From that point the rest of the class, maybe 35 minutes, was devoted to my presentation from Wednesday. Now know up front that I thought my presentation was lame at best. I tried, but was not sure exactly what I was doing. I had thought about it a lot, written it out, made a ground plan, a prop’s list and all of the things a good director does. After all this IS a directing 2 class. I had rehearsed once alone and once in front of my husband. Once I was in the space and ready to go in front of my class, I again had an out of body experience and have no idea what I did, so I felt sure it was awful. And yet in that circle I was made to feel like I did everything right. At least I got through to them what I was trying to convey and for me as a writer, performer and director that is all I want- to communicate. I was stunned that everyone was so nice and so positive and brought up the very things I had worked on and tried to do well. I was near tears, but tried to keep it together through out the discussion. I got a lot out of that circle and think others might have too. I kept waiting for the but… the flip side, the criticism. Especially from the professor, but it never happened. I walked away from class a bit confused, but walking a little taller and feeling a lot better!
So after two days of illness, strange physical sensations, out of body writing and happy dancing, I did the only thing I could think of to do- GO SHOPPING! After all, I am still me! So I went shopping, but mostly I just soaked up the sun and looked in windows, thinking about the past week and wondering what in the world is to come.
