I woke up this morning with a strained throat. I had told Tim that it was coming last night and that since he was going to be gone this weekend, I intended to not speak or sing today. I realized last night that I have been singing an average of 5 hours a day and my voice was starting to get weaker and weaker yesterday. This morning when I told Tim goodbye, I could tell it was almost gone.
In that moment I realized something else. It might seem a dramatic way to feel, but the rest of my college career kind of hinges on this next week. Because of the way things were scheduled I have to do my BFA project and audition for all of the plays for next semester, my last semester, in this final full week of classes. I have class projects to finish, finals to prepare for, I have to finish my BFA book and try to rehearse in between running upstairs to do a dance audition one day, then a monologue and a vocal audition the next. My voice is going to need some rest if I am ever going to get through all of this.
Thursday, our accompanist Laurie was kind enough to give my BFA partner and I some time to run through our music so she could mark any changes we might have made and to let us rehearse with her since we will only get one full rehearsal with her the day before the show. We just started at the beginning and sang through each song to make sure we were all on the same page. Part of the way through the session, I was singing “Out Here on my Own” and something very odd happened. I think I have made it clear that I lack confidence- not in my business skills or my friendships or my family life. Not at all in my cooking abilities or decorating, I am sure about my fashion sense (most of the time) and I feel confident in God. But when it comes to my performing, singing especially, I am not sure of myself. I know I have told you how subjective I feel art is- in business you either succeed or fail, something either works or doesn’t. Well, in art one person might love what you do and the next person might hate it. It is very hard for a perfectionist who wants to please everyone to be a performer. Then I hear my father’s negative comments in my head, even though those become softer each day. But the main comment I hear from him is the reason he gives for being so negative all of those years. He has told me he did not want me to have “the big head.” Although he will tell you in a heartbeat how smart he is and that he is a member of MENSA and a Phi Beta Kappa (wears his key whenever he dresses up still!) he did not want me to be too cocky about my abilities so he continually told me how awful I was, how ugly I was and how nothing I did was good enough.
I have never really quit believing all of that, but I have been able to push it aside and function in the world. And I have tried to be as humble as possible since that is what he saw as his whole motivation for what he said to me as a child, keeping me humble. I know I am good at a few things, but I would never have said so out loud! I had a friend many years ago say something to me that sort of started me coming out of my shell a bit. I did something, don’t remember what right now, that she was amazed I could do. It might have been singing or something else. She looked at me and said, “You always keep your light under a bushel, something God does not want us to do. You need to learn to shine.” I think about that all of the time.
So back to Laurie’s room. I am singing “Out Here on my Own.” And suddenly I am no longer singing. Oh, the words are still coming out of my mouth even though I am not sure my mouth is still moving and for the first time maybe ever, I thought “wait a minute- this sounds good! It sounds like singing! I am a singer!” The sound kept coming out and I looked around the room at the others. Matt was on his phone texting someone and Stephonn was looking at his music as he awaited his turn, Laurie was just playing along and nothing had changed. No one was throwing roses at my feet, but no one was throwing rotten fruit at my head either! I really think in retrospect that my voice didn’t change one bit, I just really heard it for the first time. And dare I say I kind of liked what I was hearing! I have sung so much in the past few weeks in front of people at a workshop, in front of various accompanists who came to help us rehearse and over and over in front of our cast, that I finally just wore down, forgot to be scared and humble and just sang- and listened.
I will never be able to be conceited or smug about my performing like so many of the kids at school are. They are so sure of themselves- I have heard many of them say they are a “triple threat,” a great actress, dancer AND singer! I doubt I would ever think of myself as a single threat! But something shifted on Thursday, I had a new feeling that I have never, ever had before. Even at my age you keep learning, discovering and feeling things that are new and exciting. I have not sustained that feeling. At rehearsal yesterday, every time I began to sing, my voice teacher got out the pencil to circle all of my mistakes and I was back to thinking I can not do anything right! (I know she is only trying to help me to get better at what I am doing and I so appreciate that!) But now that I know what that feeling is like, maybe I can find it again some day. And each time it will get easier and easier to find until it becomes a part of me. In the meantime I hope to keep a little of that humble attitude, the people who are so conceited don’t appeal to me and I don’t want to go there! I do want to sing freely and joyfully and know that it is OK to feel so good about something you do.
