I find myself somewhat overwhelmed with all of the possibilities and opportunities. For the past three years this first week of school has been what we affectionately called “hell week” around my house!! I was at school until all hours trying my hardest to get cast in something at school. The first year I was caught completely off guard and had 24 hours to prepare myself. I did a monologue but did not audition for the musical. I now know that I was in dance and voice lessons and therefore was required to audition for the musical, but I didn’t know it then! And luckily I have my diploma so they can’t kick me out for admitting it now!
The second year I thought I was prepared, but I have decided no, I will never really be prepared for an audition. My nerves and lack of spontaneity make me really bad at auditioning. I decided at the last minute to change my song and I flubbed it up badly. In talking to a professor after the auditions his comment was, “Your monologue was fine. Your song was not great, but I know what you are capable of so you were still OK. And then you danced.” So once again, not good.
Last year the fall audition was a nightmare. I won’t dredge up the past, but let’s just say it cause a furor that I will never, ever forget. Calling that week “hell week” was a gross understatement. The whole semester was awful mostly because of that bad start. It ended with an equally bad audition (you audition for spring semester at the end of fall) and yet I had a lovely spring semester each and every year. I attribute it to no auditions!
In being nostalgic about school starting back and me not being there, I consoled myself with the fact that I did not have to audition. No being glared at by the faculty and 9 other students as you try to be amazing in 60 seconds, no 16 measures of singing to try to show your acting ability and vocal range. And thank God- no dancing!! My last dance audition at school a group of students actually laughed at me, out loud where everyone could hear them. Of course, nothing was said to them about their rude and unprofessional behavior, but I was furious and humiliated all in one. So I was giddy this year- no dance auditions! And no call backs where you have to stand in various pairs so the faculty can hold up a piece of paper over their mouths and talk about how you make the 20 year old guy look too young or how the stage lights are distorted as they careen off the wrinkles on your aged face. That is almost as humiliating as the dancing, but not quite. At least they do cover their mouths so the others can’t read their lips! In the real world other people have wrinkles, too!! Other people are old! I had forgotten that!
But in a crazy twist of fate, I have spent this week auditioning and having callbacks and yes, even the dreaded dance auditions! In the real world people are not all 19 year olds giggling in the corner as you struggle to dance. And I find that the people I audition with are more helpful and more open minded. I even find the director’s nice and helpful. In my first ever film audition the kind director taught me a ton when she realized I had never done film before. I won’t get the job I am sure, but it was so worth it to learn so much in such a short amount of time. I cringe at the mistakes I made, but I have to be philosophical and remember I can not do something I have no idea how to do! And learning is good.
I had a very exciting meeting today about a new idea I agreed to be a part of. It lets me use my teaching side as well as my acting side, so I am excited. And it will not interfere with my ability to do other things as they come available! The best of both worlds! And now I am off to a callback. As always I am nervous and excited and I have decided several times not to go, then I decide to go, then I decide to drink and go, then I snap out of it and know that I am going, that I will come home devastated and tomorrow the sun will rise and I will go on.
As I read back over this I have only one question. Why did I decide I don’t like directing as much as acting? I could be the one talking about actor’s behind a sheet of paper, I could be the one making actors uncomfortable, I could be relaxed as I judge others. But for some odd reason I prefer the rush of adrenalin right before I think I am going to faint, or throw up, or both. And for some reason I feel more at home on the stage.
I spoke to a friend the other day that I had not seen for a while and as I told her what I felt on stage, the words poured out and I realized I have not lost any passion for this work, it was a bit battered and bruised in school and it matured and became different, but as I talked to her she smiled and said she wished she could find something that made her feel the way this obviously made me feel. She wasn’t sure in her 60+ years she had ever felt like this and I realized just how lucky I am! And now please excuse me while I go imagine everything that could go wrong tonight and try to calm myself long enough to drive to the theatre.
