I am not really sure I am ready to blog about all of this and it might be rather rambling, but here goes.
Last night was the last performance of the play I have been working on, The Dixie Swim Club. It has been quite the experience for me and I have gone through my most thorough process to date as well as going through every emotion known to man! I had the luxury of time to make my script/notebook and flash cards for all of my lines. I had time to research and read the play over and over. I had time to write a back story and create a motivating “secret” that my character lived with. I thoroughly immersed myself in the character.
I also had time to doubt whether I could ever learn so many lines. I had time to doubt why I was cast, why I ever thought I could act and what in the world am I doing with my life!? Up until tech week I was sure I had made a horrible mistake. I was too old for the part and felt it! Compared to my cast mates I was not very good and every rehearsal I screwed up some line, forgot to do something and/or was too stiff or too quiet or too something. I knew that I was about to be found out for the fraud that I am and that I was about to go down in flames and take some really great people with me!
I used to consider my auditions at school a success if I remembered the words to my monologues and songs and I got up there to do them without falling on my face! I never asked God for more than that. I figured I had to do the rest with hard work and whatever talent He had already given me. For this show I went back to asking for just that when I prayed- to remember my words and not fall down. But unlike an audition, this wasn’t all about me now. So I also prayed to please let me do an adequate job, enough to keep from spoiling the show for the audience and my talented cast mates. And in the process I told God if I could just get through this whole process, I would not push my luck. I would give up all of this nonsense and pay more attention to the rest of my life- my family, aging parents and in-laws, volunteer obligations and more.
Well, I got through the play. I never fell and I always remembered my lines (well, most all of my lines.) I can not speak to how good of a job I did, but I don’t think I totally ruined it for the cast or the audience, so I am at peace with that. And I made some real friends. A new prayer partner that quietly asked to join me as I prayed before each show. A new ally who stood by me when my father did his best to ruin everything for me. And a director that I learned a ton from and who believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. When it was all over I thought about this being the end, about never doing this again and although I am relieved to go to sleep without lines whirling in my head, to wake up knowing I can cut my hair and dye it purple if I want, and knowing when I get through writing this post I can go read a magazine or start a new book without feeling guilty that I am not “in my script,” the thought of never putting myself through this again makes me want to cry.
So for now I will concentrate on other things and I will enjoy some time free from studying and learning a new part. I will wait for someone to “need” me in some small quirky part or for God to give me some indication of where He wants me to go next. I will try to get straight in my head whether I have been walking down the right path or just kidding myself. And I will cherish the memories of all I have done and experienced.
A friend posted a quote on Facebook that really hit home today. “Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.” -D. W. Winnicott. That is so me! Another friend a few days ago told me to really consider before I quit. She said that she held me up to others as an example of someone who followed their heart and didn’t let age stop them from pursuing their dreams. She said it gave her and others hope. And whether I am a good actress or not, giving people hope is something I can get in to!
So whether I am on stage again or not, whether I blog any more or not, know that I did what I set out to do. I went back to school, I finished and got my degree, I spent the year after graduation doing back to back to back to back to back plays and I have loved almost every minute of it. And I hope it has meant something to others as well. Whatever is next for me, more than likely I will keep you posted. Life is many things, but for me it is almost never boring!
