I think I am figuring out what my problem is this semester and I don’t really know how to fix it. I have felt more lost and lonely than I did at any point last year but my classes are fine. No it is something else. At first I blamed it on my home life. Tim was still recovering from his knee surgery and also getting sick, Jon has graduated so he is home for now. I felt awful leaving them each day. No matter what else I do, I would always rather be with the two of them than anyone else on earth.
And then I flubbed my audition and felt like a loser. Not only was I leaving my family but I felt like I was deserting them for nothing! No part equals no talent, right? Well, after my meetings I felt better about all of that. But I still could not get over my funk. But today it kind of became clear to me what my problem is but I am not sure how to fix it.
When I was first toying with the idea of school, I made myself a promise. I had seen too many older people who are involved with the youth at church and the high school, insinuate themselves into the kids’ lives when they weren’t really wanted. They pushed and tried to be “one of the kids”. I am not one of the kids and haven’t been for a LONG time. I don’t think the kids really want us to be one of them, they want us to be the adult. Anyway, a 50 year old acting like a 16 year old is NEVER attractive! So I vowed to never push myself on the kids in college. I wanted to make friends but I was not going to invite myself to their parties or tag along to get something to eat. And I have stuck to my guns.
Don’t get me wrong I have made a lot of friends. There are a few people I hang out with, a few I have done things away from class with and one I even fake fight and cut down as a running joke. I hug some of them on a regular basis and some of them brighten my day whenever they yell my name across campus and wave wildly to me. It makes me feel like I belong there. But in class I never sit smack in the middle of them, I usually sit to one side. I love for them to come sit by me but I am not going to fling myself into their group.
Now I don’t know what they think about this. Do they think I am stuck up, unfriendly, a dork? I can’t answer. But today in theatre history it hit me. Everyone piles up in the middle section of the theatre, laughing and cutting up. I sit to the section that is house right. Usually there is a friend of mine who sits in front or behind me and although she is probably not really older than the other students she is much more mature. She and I went to a play together away from campus so I feel like I can call her a friend. The other day she commented that she doesn’t like to sit all crowded up in the center section, she needed room to spread out and take notes. I laughingly said we were in the “mature” section of the theatre and she laughed. Well, she wasn’t there today so I felt like I was no longer in the mature section but in the “just plain old” section! And I felt lonely and like an outcast.
There are some really odd students, which is great with me. I am odd and most of my friends are odd. But then there is weird-o, people that are over the top even for my eclectic tastes. They aren’t cute and quirky, they are creepy and annoying. Even as an adult I tend to shy away from them, even though as an adult and a Christian I should be more inclusive but they are just too much! I don’t want to be the weird-o or get stuck with the weird-os!! I know I can’t be one of the “cool kids” even though I have made jokes about getting to hang out with the cool kids. I am old enough to know that who those cool kids are is all relative. But I don’t want to be one of those creepy, annoying weird-os either!
I feel like I can’t just jump in with the students and I don’t want to be alone all of the time. I don’t want to hang out with the fringe, crazy people but I feel like I am being pushy if I plop my big ass in the middle of a group of kids. I am more the age of the teachers but I feel weird hanging with them because I am not one of them. They kind of make me nervous, I worry that I will say or do the wrong thing- which I am prone to do. So this semester with the new freshmen being rude and the old gang getting closer and closer because of being together all day and night and being in shows together, etc. I feel more of an outcast than I did last year.
I guess it boils down to the fact that I am a very social person and since school right now consumes most of my life, I am just lonely. If I were 20 I would be in a sorority or hanging out at the theatre all the time working on sets, or asking people over for dinner and drinks. But I have to get home so there is no time for hanging out, and asking 20 year olds out for a drink can get me arrested. And sorority?? Just kidding! So I am still finding my place and I guess I am realizing I really have no place. It makes me sad which makes class time not as fun which makes going to school more of a chore. I just feel kind of lost.
