I am the first to admit that I still have a lot to learn. Let me rephrase that- I hope I still have a lot to learn! I hope I am around for a long time and that I have the good sense to realize that I know very little and keep the desire to learn more and more. I know as a twenty-something I thought I knew a lot more than I know now. When you are in your late teens and early twenties you think you know it all. You think you are invincible and that you are ready to face the world. I’ll just say it- you are not! The older you get and the more world experience you get, the more you realize how little you know and that you will never really be ready. I think that is why you feel so “mature” and “ready” at a young age. So you will jump off that cliff of life before you know any better, otherwise we might never do anything! If you think for too long about the real world and the future you would never get married or have children or start companies or leave home with no plan or place to live. Because you are never really ready, never really prepared for what lies ahead.
As I said, I feel like I know much less now than I thought I knew at 20. But there ARE a lot of things I do know now that not only did I not know at twenty, but I was oblivious to! Things no one ever tells you about. Things you discover for yourself and really no one can prepare you for. Some are personal. For example, parenting your children or taking care of your parents as they get older and decline. And then there is your own aging. I am coming to terms with my limits. I am the type of person who pushes way past what they think they can do. I never was out sick in school or called in sick from work from the 4th grade until I decided to quit work and be a stay at home mom. I made myself get up and get dressed, put on a happy face and carry on no matter how I really felt. There was no room for “sissies” in my house growing up. I still almost never say I am tired or can’t do something. I know if I say yes, then I will be there and do whatever I have agreed to. If I say I will be there and do not show up, call the police!
When I fell last winter and busted out my teeth, I showed up for class the next morning after a long night session and an even longer early morning session at the dentist. I warned my professors I might not be there, but I was. I was not going to give up. I slipped and fell taping down microphone cords at the dress rehearsal of a show we were putting on at church to raise money for the youth choir. I even showed up the next night to still be a stage manager even though I did not sing the duet I had planned. And therein lies my point. I push myself way beyond what everyone expects and beyond what I even think I am capable of. But I have lived long enough to know we all have limits. And I know where my limit is. I can ignore pain and push through to meet my obligations. I can stand long after anyone else would fall. Standing in front of hundreds of people with a swollen mouth and bruised lips with my four front teeth barely glued in dressed as Cher and singing “I Got You Babe” is a step beyond my limit. I remember people that night being amazed I was even there. However, there was one person who literally begged me to go home, get my wig and come back to sing. I had to all but punch them to get off my back- I was not going to do it! I know my limit. (If the show would have been ruined without me, I would have done it, but it was just a variety show that did not suffer without me.)
In over fifty years of living I have not figured out all of the rules and I have not moved past all of the turmoil of my childhood. I have not come to terms with my looks or all of my feelings. I have learned most my limits. I know I can not eat pork sausage or drink cheap wine or tequila. (I try occasionally, so I can do it, it just doesn’t end well!) I prefer city life to country living. I prefer a five star hotel to camping. ( I camped for months every summer growing up while snake hunting or alligator wrangling, bird watching or photographing wildlife, so I really know- don’t push me!) I don’t like violent movies- I have been a party to violence and don’t want to watch it. It gives me nightmares and I need my beauty sleep, so don’t argue with me about going to a scary or violent movie. I know that if I don’t work out and eat right, I feel lethargic and sad. I know if I want to learn something I have to write it down and layer it into my brain, I can’t cram the night before. I know I like order around me. Don’t put me in a dump and expect me to relax until I have cleaned and rearranged. I know am not a dancer- I have made it over 50 years without dancing and although I have taken dance in college now for 2 years, I am still not a dancer. I have tried. I have practiced and taken private lessons on the side. I have watched every episode of “So You Think You Can Dance” and I love dance. I could watch it all day. I AM NOT A DANCER. I can not be all things to all people. As much as I try I can not keep up my grades, be in shows, feed my family, keep my house the way I like, pay our bills and the bills of other family members who are not able to take care of their own, do the laundry, give good advice and help everyone with their projects. Lord knows I tried, but I finally learned what to let go and when to say no. Again, I push myself beyond what I think I can do, but at some point I have to stop. I know I still have a lot to learn, but I get very upset when I am asked to “learn” a life lesson that I have learned over and over for 20 or 30 years. I especially get tired of it from kids who weren’t even born when I learned the lesson the first time!
At school I often tell the kids “no” when they ask me to go eat with them or go to have a drink. (Partly because I still have my concerns on what is appropriate at my age, hanging out with 20 year olds.) I usually say I have my family to take care of. And I do. My husband and son were usually waiting on me to come home and fix dinner. And I wanted to see them and cook for them. One day I was asked to go eat with some classmates after a rehearsal and before I could open my mouth one of them sarcastically said, “She has a FAMILY she has to go home to!” Actually I was free that night and could have gone to eat with them, but after that remark I merely smiled and headed home. Because I have learned what is most important in my life. I enjoy being around these students but in nine months I will graduate and more than likely never see these guys again. They will take off to places unknown to try new things and learn their life lessons. They will get careers and some will have families of their own to go home to cook for. They will forget about me and although I am old enough to know this, it doesn’t change how much I am enjoying being around them for now. People come and people go, but it is comforting to know the ones we truly love will remain in our hearts. I will have lots of little spots in my heart for the people I have met and learned to love.
At the end of the day though, I will come back home, after class and after graduation. Jon has moved out since last semester so there is not as much for me clean up or cook, but Tim is still patiently waiting on me as I pursue my dream. And as much as I can, I will be there for him, just like he has been there for me. That is the greatest lesson I have learned, to be there for the one who has been there for you. To know that when the world smacks you in the face with lesson after lesson, you have a safe place to go and just be yourself and be loved. So yes, after a day of being humiliated in dance class and made fun of by insensitive freshmen or tests that don’t go as well as you would like, I have a family to go home to. And on those days you ace a test or get the part, I still want to be with my family. That is love, and I have learned that lesson. Trust me kids, that is the best lesson of all.
