I just realized that I have a feeling that I have not had in a really long time. I don’t have a name for the feeling so I can not share it in 140 characters on Twitter or even in a few more on facebook. So although it has very little to do with my college education, I want to try to share it here in my blog.
I was sitting in my library reading the December Southern Living when I realized it. I started trying to read my stack of magazines in chronological order but as I read what I should wear for fall I decided to fast forward and skip to a more timely issue. I came to Southern Living with a Christmas-y cover and decided to read it.
Now you have to understand how I read decorating magazines. Since I love to decorate (and cook and clean and all of the other things covered in this magazine) I usually read a little, rearrange or clean a little, using the new ideas I have just read about. Today was no exception. During the reading I swapped out a few rugs, redid my dining room table and tweaked a few other things. By the time I finished I had a warm, colorful house. (But it takes forever to read one magazine this way!!!) It just so happened I had gone to the grocery store in the storm today and bought LOTS of fresh flowers. I had arranged small and large bouquets that cover almost every flat surface of my house. Yesterday we had received a gift from a business associate that was small, fabulous pound cakes that I have stacked under a lovely glass cloche on my counter. The whole house looks like something from a Southern Living shoot. (Maybe not, but right now it does to me!)
Under my tree I have all of our gifts wrapped and ready. Of course, after frantic last minute shopping I have found out that most of these gifts are not needed (most everyone has decided we don’t need to exchange gifts) but I may give them out anyway, after all, since when have I let people dictate what I do? Maybe I will just stand on the street and give them to strangers! Whatever, they look lovely under the tree and I feel accomplished that I got this together in three days!
But I feel happy, safe, relaxed, secure and accomplished. For all of my good grades and honor societies and parts in shows, I never really feel secure at school. I feel like it could be taken away at any moment. I feel like I am only as good as my last test. I know at any moment I could be shunned or gossiped about again. But in my home I am the queen. I am in charge of where each piece of furniture lives for now. I can change the smell by cooking something wonderful, I can change the focus with a new flower arrangement, I can invite in whoever I want and keep out whoever I want.
I can sort of understand my mom’s agoraphobia even though cooking, housekeeping and all of that is not in her set of skills. (If I kept my house like hers I would always want to be gone!) I would love to just revel in my home and often wonder why I threw myself out there like I did. I guess I love people too much, I love a good meal out in a classy restaurant, I love good theatre or a fun movie. I love the lights of Times Square a few times a year and the roar of the waves at the beach. I love the thrill of flying and the time to really talk to my guys during a car trip. And deep down I really love the excitement and the challenge of going to school. I guess I would not appreciate my current feeling of calm and home if I didn’t put myself out there most of the time. So I will truly be grateful for the time I can cocoon in my house and experience this feeling. Then I will look forward with excitement to the day I go back to school. Happy Holidays!
