I just joined Linkedin. I had several people try to connect with me through Linkedin and when I asked my son if he thought it was the thing to join he told me he was on there so why not?! Today I again got a notification that someone wanted to connect with me, so I decided to take the time and join. As usual I stumbled around a little bit before I got all of my information on there. As I wrote and looked for links to my work, I came face to face with two videos that I only recently found out existed on Youtube. One was an audition I did several months ago. It was an OK audition for me, but it really shows me my weaknesses in a way you can never see for yourself except in a video. The second video was the finale from my BFA project a year and a half ago. I thought I sounded maybe a little better in the BFA project, but again watching myself is not my favorite thing! I tried to attach the videos to my profile, but I think I may have instead sent the video to random people- now that’s embarrassing!
I went to my friend’s house the other day to look at the new season of CAbi clothes that she sells. There were a lot of really cute things in the collection and I tried on 20-25 different things. I had free time, love clothes and enjoyed some time that was all about me! We tried mixing and matching lots of items and I realized how much I enjoy styling outfits. I think being a stylist or helping others put together outfits would be a fun job. My friend asked me if she could take a picture of me in one of the outfits we put together. I told her no, a picture of me would not help her sell any clothes! This is one of those friends that I would do anything for (except have my picture taken to put on Facebook!) Seeing myself, watching myself, hearing myself are things I could live forever without! Looking at the videos and thinking about the other day when I refused to have my picture taken started me thinking.
In the past month or so I have judged a theatre competition, a dance line audition and a solo vocal competition. The most important thing to me when I judge is to give positive written comments and at least one constructive comment to help the young performer grow and do even better the next time they perform. If I can’t give any written comments, the whole process loses its appeal for me. I want kids to get the encouragement I did not get as a young person. I want them to learn from their experience with me. It means a great deal to me to do that. I have a hard time with the concept of “judging” anyone, especially when I feel certain they are better at what they are doing than I am! But I also know my years of experience and just the fact that I am another pair of ears and eyes to hear and see these kids helps to give them another perspective on their work. In college I was always very hesitant to critique my fellow students in class, after all who am I to tell them anything! I got a tad more used to it towards the end of my time at school, but I never really got comfortable with it.
At an event I judged last weekend I asked a performer and her teacher if I could just talk to her since my comments would take forever to write. I told her that she had so much talent, but that I could tell she was holding back. I told her she showed me glimpses of her talent all through the performance and then I saw her retreat back into her lack of confidence over and over during the song. I told her to just let go because she had “it” and she needed to believe in herself. The girl shyly smiled, thanked me and left the stage. Her teacher came over and thanked me profusely for talking to the girl. She told me I had said exactly what she needed to hear. Inside I knew that I had told her exactly what I had longed to hear as a young performer, what I still need to hear now!
I told my adviser when I was graduating last spring that I was leaving school without the one thing I came to school looking for- validation that I was doing the right thing in trying to sing and act again. I had learned techniques, I had made loads of friends, I had explored my limits and even learned some ballet which is beyond my limit! But none of the professors had ever really told me I was any good. (I have to say my voice teachers were always very kind and one time at the end of an acting 3 class the professor called me over and complimented me on the work I had done that day.) But never had I heard that I was doing the right thing, that I had talent, that I really belonged there. So I told her I was sad to leave without that. She told me she was sorry, but that when she cast me in her shows, she was telling me that I was good, that I had talent. She admitted that maybe the faculty didn’t say those words enough to the students. Sometimes you just need to hear the words. You know your husband loves you, but you need to hear “You’re beautiful” on those days you feel frumpy. You know your kids care about you, but you want them to say “I love you” on those days when you doubt your parenting skills. And sometimes you need someone to remind you that you are smart, or organized, or helpful, or talented when you doubt yourself. I know- we should all be confident and not need anyone else to make us feel competent. But I live in the real world and in the real world a kind word goes a long way!
So I try to judge with love for the psyche of the young people I see. I try to remember what I wanted to hear at that age, at my age, at any age. And I avoid looking at myself in pictures and video because for some reason I can not be so thoughtful of a judge when it comes to me!
