I keep coming across this quote- on Facebook, at church, in an article I just read. It is from April 23, 1910 and is by Theodore Roosevelt. “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit goes to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
One of the things I like best about theatre is that it is imperfect. Every production has something in it that might could have been better, or that goes wrong on a particular night. Often times lines are flubbed and the actors know it, but most of the time the audience is never aware of the slip up. Other times the audience is painfully aware.
When you watch a movie or TV show, the mistakes are left on the cutting room floor. The same scene is done over and over until the perfect take is captured for the final cut. Every time you watch that movie it is exactly the same. You might see things you didn’t see before, but that is only because you didn’t notice them before, they were there all along.
In live theatre things are somewhat different every single night. If you see a play multiple times you will definitely see something you didn’t see the night before and it is possible you didn’t see it before because it wasn’t there before!
I love the imperfection of live theatre. When I see a play that is so slick and over the top, while I can definitely appreciate it and enjoy it, it isn’t the same as the more simple and raw productions I see. Sometimes the imperfections are what make the piece more real, more heartfelt and more endearing.
I have tried as a theatre critic to be fair and honest. I have never really been comfortable pointing out the imperfections. I carry a notebook to each play I review and in it I take notes of funny lines, cool ideas and anything I see that is not quite right. Almost none of what I write down in that notebook ends up in my review. It is my personal record- my theatre journal. It will be one of my “textbooks” for when I go back to what I love- acting.
The other day I saw a show and all I wrote down was how the stage was set when I walked into the theatre. As I told my theatre students last night, the storytelling, the emotion and the imperfections kept me on the edge of my seat for that production. The show made me laugh and cry. Was the singing the best I have ever heard? No. Was the story completely factual? Who knows. I told the kids none of that mattered so much because it was full of feelings and heart, so I bought in. And isn’t it amazing that as actors we can do that for people? Make them laugh, cry, feel and believe?
When I see and review a show, I am seeing it through my eyes on the night that I see it. The next night might be better. The next night the set might fall on the actors heads or the lead might throw up on stage. It’s live- anything can happen. The next night I might be different.
I have written very few “bad” reviews. A few times I have been disappointed with the staging or the casting. I have seen where corners were cut on sets or the lighting not thought through. Sometimes I point things out, sometimes I don’t. I always try to be kind and positive, even if I don’t like something. Sometimes groups take it as constructive, other times they have lost their minds and been hateful to me for pointing it out. (If I really don’t like something, I just don’t write. Unless you are claiming to be a Broadway tour and you charge me a fortune for my ticket! Then you are fair game in my book!)
Either way, I have had to learn that it shows a whole lot more about the company who can’t take an honest critique, than it does about me when they get angry. I still am not comfortable with this job, never have been and never will be. And that is one of the reasons why I have decided to take a hiatus.
I am not sure I have made any kind of difference with this job, which is really all I wanted. I can say I have made some new friends which is something I didn’t expect. I have gone to theatres I didn’t even know existed. I have seen plays I have never heard of. I have certainly broadened my horizons.
I am not quitting altogether right away. I am just going to stop reviewing plays for now. I have run out of adjectives, I am no longer able to just enjoy a play and I am not able to be in a show while I have this job. However, I want to make the BroadwayWorld awards process available to you one more time, so I will stay on writing previews and actor’s interviews until the end of the year when the awards are announced. I can’t just abandon this great group of actors so easily!!
It is so hard for me to quit anything- I am not a quitter. When I hear that some actor is leaving a Broadway show or a successful TV show, I always think they are crazy. How can you just up and leave a hit!? They always say they need to move on to a new project and see where else their creativity takes them. Really? Are you nuts?? But now I kind of get it.
Also, for someone who enjoys being on stage, I do not like the notoriety. I thought I would. But now that people know me and I can’t just buy a ticket and slip in and slip out, it is too much pressure. That’s all on me for being so sensitive and shy. It still floors me that anyone even cares what I have to say!
So how can I just give up writing (which I love) watching plays (which I love) and being invited to such fun, new places (which I love.) Because I am not feeling it anymore and that means I won’t do my best. Because I am worn out and need a break. Because my creativity is pulling me to write other things and pushing me back to being on the stage again at some point.
Maybe after the first of the year, after I haven’t reviewed anything for a few months, I will be able to stand up in an audition and not feel like I am getting the stink eye from people I have written about. Maybe after a few months off, I will miss it so much I will be back in the theatre, watching and writing, giving you my honest opinion again. Who knows?? Life is like the theatre, it is live and ever changing. Sometimes the set falls down around you or you throw up on stage. Sometimes things go almost perfectly and you feel in rhythm with everyone and everything around you. Right now I need to step back and take some time away. I have lots of irons in the fire, and I am not sure exactly which direction I will go.
I know that I love teaching my students, I love (and have missed) performing and I love to write. I hope that I have done some good work over the last two and a half years as a critic for BWW and that the people who read my reviews, were the subject of my reviews and liked my reviews won’t forget about me. For those of you who weren’t happy with my reviews at times, I really have no regrets there, so just get over it.
I am sort of scared to jump off of the pier and see if I will sink or swim. I might be back soon, or not. But I know for right now, I can’t get anywhere if I don’t take that leap.
