I don’t think that we see ourselves the way others see us.
I sometimes hear people say things about themselves that are almost opposite of what I see in them. I also see people who come across one way and when you get to know them better you realize they aren’t like that at all. Some of it is the old “judging a book by its cover” thing, but these days a lot of it is social media helping us to portray ourselves in a manufactured way instead of as we truly are. That’s a discussion for another time.
I know I see myself through the lens of other people in my life. I listen to the voices outside and even the voice inside seems to be that of others who have told me things that changed me and continue to haunt me.
A few months ago I had three opportunities to speak in front of large groups of people. In my opinion only one went well and even that one I think back on and wonder if I am kidding myself that it went well at all!
I do love public speaking. Not off of the cuff speaking, but a planned speech is something I enjoy. Or I did. In both of the instances recently that I didn’t feel good about, I heard that old voice in my head telling me I am not good enough, that I have no business up there speaking and exactly who do I think I am even trying. Just as I faced the crowd, the voice told me I was a joke and why did I even put myself in those situations. It is difficult to say that first word to a group waiting expectantly for what you are about to say when you hear that inner voice loudly over everything else!
I got through both instances and had people say that I did a good job, but none of those complimentary voices seem loud enough or sincere enough to drowned out the one that keeps going through my brain.
This past week was terribly over scheduled. It seems the older I get, the more I want to be home, safe and secure. My mom got to where she was basically a recluse in the last few years of her life. I sort of knew why she did it and sometimes I feel those same tendencies. Then the part of me that came from my father, a person who always wanted to be out and on the go, takes over and causes me to accept invitations that stretch me.
This past week I had something on the calendar every single day that took me out of my comfort zone, that put me around people I really don’t know and that often left me feeling vulnerable and exposed. I fretted most of the week prior about how in the world I would get through it all. How many times would I embarrass myself, how often would I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing? When would someone expose me for the fraud that I am?
As each new event came along, I did my best to put on the right outfit, my “costume” so to speak, to at least not be embarrassed by that. I would tell myself to say as little as possible. I was raised on the Lincoln quote “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” The less said the better.
In my typical fashion though, once conversation started flowing, I would jump in with a story. My usual thought process is to go over what I plan to say in my mind, trying to make sure it fits the conversation, makes some kind of sense and isn’t too offensive or silly. By the time I go through all of that, many times the conversation has moved on and I remain silent. That used to happen to me all of the time when I went back to college. In class I would have something to add, but once my mind went through the “checklist” the conversation had moved on.
Several people over the week said things to me about how they saw me or what they liked about me, what they learned from me. It kind of threw me for a loop because it was definitely not how I see myself. And the situation I found myself in yesterday, I really was confused about how I came across, what I actually am capable of and how I see myself.
I agreed to judge a theatre competition. The main reason I went back to college was so that something I had done all of my life, that I enjoyed yet felt somewhat inept at, would seem better if I got the education and the degree. I thought I would have more confidence if I had the piece of paper that said I had actually learned how to do it correctly. Of course, as with most art, there isn’t just one way to do things, but there are things you can learn that make what you do better. Mostly I just wanted the confidence to continue.
When I was paired with my fellow judge and we got to our assigned room we chatted while waiting for the students to arrive. They were held at an opening ceremony way past time for us to begin, so I kept asking questions of my colleague to pass the time. At first he wasn’t being clear about what his qualifications were, but eventually he told me what he did.
And I immediately realized I was way out of my league!
I usually spend the time before judging thinking about how UN-qualified I am and who exactly I thought I was judging others. I try to concentrate on giving helpful feedback and suggestions for improvement surrounded by lots of compliments and positivity. I try not to be too “judgy”! In this instance I had a very short time to give them a series of number scores, a line or two of specific comments and was instructed to speak very little to the students.
We were also warned to make sure we were consistent and that the two judges scores weren’t confusing by being very different. I immediately knew if we conferred that I would be shown to be a fraud quickly. Turns out the other judge heads up a department in THE major university and is a PhD for goodness sake. For all of the social events I had made my way through during the week, I was about to go down in flames at the end of the week.
After each performance we took a minute to fill out the scoring form and write our comments. I ran the stop watch, so I would share the amount of time the student used and then we would compare scores- we didn’t have to match, just not be WAY different. In 13 of the 16 participants we scored, we matched exactly with our final number before comparing. And in the other 3 we were only a point off!
I left the school feeling a little less incompetent. If I could see and articulate to these young people in a manner consistent with someone of my fellow judge’s caliber then maybe I am not as far off as I usually feel.
I know that I am marginally good at lots of things but not really great at anything. I know that I can hold my own in lots of situations but will probably never feel truly comfortable in any of them. I know that I see myself differently than others see me, whether that be for better or worse. I know that I have to continue to push myself to do the best I can even when that nagging voice tells me that I can’t.
