Happy New Year

Tomorrow starts a new year and I am getting to start it in the way I like best. Don’t get me wrong- I am always up for a trip and our between Christmas and New Year’s trips have been some of my favorite- a few days in NYC followed by a week skiing in Vermont, a week in Orlando and a trip to Dallas have been some of the best. But that means putting Christmas away in one day, jetting off and then coming home to mountains of laundry before going back to school, whether it was while I was teaching or now as a student again.

My favorite start to the year is for my house to be clean and rearranged, my new journal to be by my bed for that first entry of the year, my desk is clear of any undone work and I am ready for whatever the new year throws at me. That is where I am this year. I am calm and yet excited about all of the things the new year holds. I am doing two very different shows and as of this past week both parts have been added to, which makes me feel like people have confidence in me which helps me to have confidence in myself. 2012 will probably be the year of my BFA project and if I really try I might even graduate this year! ( I don’t think I will because it might possibly kill me to do that much!) But we will see how it all lays out after this semester.

The only thing that makes me unhappy about the next year are some of the people in my life who are not as happy and not as excited about the possibility of a new year. My parents came for dinner this past week and I realized again that you can’t talk sense to most people. If anyone wants to over eat, drink too much, smoke or be cynical and trapped by their fears, all of the logic and good sense in the world won’t change them if they don’t make the decision for themselves. If you want to be miserable, it is really pretty easy to be miserable! If you listen to the news and only hear the bad (which is most of it) and you spend your days watching CSI  and SVU you can easily make yourself scared to leave the house.

I got rather blunt with my mom, trying to tell her for every one story you hear about a pedophile coach there are hundreds of coaches out there who love and nurture kids. For every nutty actress you see acting a fool, there are hundreds of dedicated artists taking care of themselves in order to be ready for the next part. For every mass murderer out there I know thousands of people who would lay down their life to save someone else. For every day of tornadoes there are hundreds of days of sun and breezes. And there are millions of people around the world who would give everything they have to spend one day living the way we do, free and able to pursue our hopes and dreams without fear. And to all of this my mother (who is only 76) said she is old and has no life left.

I tried to tell her what all was still available to her and all she could say was her leg hurt. I told her all of the things she could find an interest in and she told me she couldn’t drive. (She has never driven! I told her she should have gotten over that by now!) I told her of an actress on “Desperate Housewives” who was 56 before she ever started acting and was now in her 70’s. I told her Barbara Walters was in her 80’s and that Grandma Moses started painting in her 80’s. She blankly looked at me as if I had two heads. That is when I realized there was absolutely nothing I can say because at about 50 she decided she was old and ever since then she has been. And now she takes every ache and pain as a “sign” that life is over. Nothing anyone does will change her mind and I am only getting myself upset and being mean to her if I kept on talking. So I quit.

I cry in my bed at night for all of the people in my life who have decided they are not worth caring for themselves. Who eat in the middle of night the very things that not only will add pounds but can lead to ulcers, and esophageal cancer among other ailments. Who do not even try to work out anymore. Who want to hide in their house and give up on the world. And the very people who then complain about aches and pains because they weigh too much and don’t move the bodies God gave them enough. Or have “colds” that last forever because their lungs are black from tar and nicotine. But cry and pray is all I can do, because talking to them is obviously a waste of time.

The funny thing about all of this is each one of them can point the finger at the other about how they should change. As one eats, he laments the pointlessness of a life in hiding, as another smokes, she shakes her head at someone else’s weight. But no one is willing to look in the mirror  and realize what they are doing to themselves.

Don’t get me wrong, I need to change things about myself I am sure and although I try continuously to make myself better, I am sure I am missing something that is glaring to everyone else. But I will say this- I enjoy my life, I try my damnedest to  stay fit, eat right, work out, run, not smoke and think positively. We all get down but I try to get back up as soon as I can. And I will not hide! And I will not “play old!” In a show I will, but not in my everyday life! I am not old and I don’t plan to be. An ache or pain is a reason to stretch some more. A forgotten item is all the more reason to read and study to strengthen my brain. And fear is something you face not hide from.

So I say “Happy New Year”! Let’s toast all of the possibilities of 2012, the ones we see and the surprises just around the corner! Let’s make the resolution to clean up our acts and enjoy life to the fullest! And if you just can’t bring yourself to join me in this plan to enjoy every moment of our short, amazing life then I promise to share mine with you in this blog for the next year!