In case you haven’t figured it out, I am the type of person who contemplates everything. I used to be so bad that I would come home from lunch with friends and go back over every comment I made, wondering if I had said the right thing or not. If I felt I had not said the right thing at some point I would send apologies asap. Another friend who received one of these apologies told me she did the same thing. We laughed and discussed it and I made a conscious effort to stop being so hard on myself.
Now, at the end of the day, I assess my day. What did I mess up on, what did I get right, what am I grateful for and what do I need to work on for tomorrow?
Needless to say the end of the year really gives me a time to reflect. I think about where I was a year ago and what I have accomplished during the year. I try to feel hopeful and grateful and ready to start a new year.
This past year has been a tough one for me. Don’t get me wrong- I have way more to be grateful for than to feel sad about. But of all of my years on earth, this has been one of the hardest, if not THE hardest. The first six months were fairly average- writing reviews, working at Overflow, and taking care of the family. But when July came along, things started to derail.
I had to learn how to turn the other cheek and take the high road, even when I was treated the worst I have ever experienced and I wanted to retaliate BIG TIME! But I didn’t. So although that was a horrible experience, I learned a lot about myself, other people, and life in general.
Soon after that I lost my mom unexpectedly. I have lost friends before and it is always hard, but nothing prepared me for this. During this time, I have been blessed with supportive friends and the opportunity to write about my feelings. It made me take a hard look at life and make some changes.
I left my position at BroadwayWorld.com as a result of these two events. I needed some time off and I needed to get back to what inspires me. While watching plays is enjoyable, having to go more than I really wanted and critique every show I saw was getting to be a drag. Plus I want to occasionally have someone watch me on stage again!
I also gave up my position with Overflow, so I could be more open to other offers I was getting to teach. ( I still help there, just not as often.)
And then there was the election, which has me terrified and nervous to say the least. I am trying to be hopeful, but it is getting harder each day. I am not sure what the lessons in this will be for me or for our country. I hope they are about compromise and learning to give people the benefit of the doubt and not about our very survival, as I fear.
On the positive side, I have gotten to work with some great kids in several different areas of town and in different situations. Some have been fun, some have been more challenging, some have been inspirational and some have been almost more than I could handle. All of the experiences have taught me more than I have taught the kids involved.
I got accepted into law school, although I decided not to attend. I got to be in a commercial. Tim has made some beautiful art and is getting to be very successful in his metal work. My son Jon got his own radio show and is doing very well at it.
As with most years, there are definitely highs and lows to reflect on, more lows than I am used to, but I am moving forward. I see potential for another strange year ahead, both in positive ways and not so positive ways. But what I foresee at the end of December is rarely what happens in the new year.
Life is unpredictable and we can’t know what will happen next. In the movie “Arrival”, the thing that threw me into tears at the end was the idea of knowing what your whole life would be, all at once. The past, the future, the now all in your sights at once. If I knew what the future holds, could I still go on? If I had known what this past year was going to bring, would I have tried to change things, could I have? Would I still love someone who I knew would betray me? Would I still make the same decisions if I knew the consequences? Would I ever have started something if I knew in a couple of years I would grow to not enjoy it? Would I invest so much of myself into something if I knew it would eventually go nowhere? It would take courage to say yes to things if you knew what would happen in the end.
I rarely make resolutions, but I do try to examine the past, then leave it behind and move on. That has been a tough thing to do this year. Hopefully flipping that calendar will help me to step into the future. I can’t see my whole life at once, so I have to let it be revealed one day at a time, never knowing if at the end of the day I will have more positives than negatives. That is a different kind of courage from knowing the ending. It is the courage to step off without knowing, hoping the road will rise up to meet you as you step into the uncertainty.
So goodbye 2016- it has been interesting.
