When I went back to college, one of my big goals was to gain some self confidence with my performing. I learned many things, and gained lots of self confidence, but only a little bit of it was about my performing.
It seemed that one professor in particular was not a big fan of my being there, so I tried to avoid as many of his classes as possible. However, he taught Musical Theatre One, which was impossible to avoid since I was getting a musical theatre BFA.
We did many odd, as well as enlightening things in that class. For our final grade we had to perform a song that he had picked for us and be in a scene he had directed us in. I remember working many hours on that solo. It was a great song, but difficult, long and sometimes confusing, both musically and the lyrics.
I worked often with our accompanist, several times with the teacher one on one, and alone at home and in the car. For a month, I stressed over it. When the day came, I dressed in an outfit appropriate for the song and went in to class shaking in my shoes. (For any new readers, I have awful stage fright and I get horrible anxiety before I have to perform.)
On this day, I was as prepared as I’ve ever been. But I was also extra scared. Not only was my grade on the line, I had to perform in front of my peers, some of whom were close friends and some that I felt weren’t. And then there was the teacher who I was convinced hated me.
I remember getting there early as usual and sitting in the theatre getting more and more nervous. One of my classmates came in all excited and talked about how much fun this was going to be. I thought they were nuts!
When the professor came in, he told us how we were going to proceed, but he told us that mainly he wanted us to have fun. He said that the work we had done all semester was what our grade would be based on and that this was just a fun reward for all of the hard work we had done.
A reward?? And why did everyone keep talking about FUN? And then I realized that this should be fun. It should be a reward. Getting to sing is a joy, a blessing, a gift. Even if some of us aren’t the greatest singers, we should be having fun.
Something clicked that day and so I raised my hand and volunteered to be one of the first to sing. I placed my bench at the rehearsed angle on stage and sat down. I nodded at my friend at the piano and I began this difficult, confusing song. But it wasn’t difficult or confusing at all. It was a story, a really funny story.
I remember getting all into the song that day, singing loud and being a tad over the top (at least for me!) I remember letting go and that the audience was laughing. Not at how awful I was, but because I was funny. The more they laughed, the more I got into it. I stomped my foot and threw myself down on the bench at the end. I remember the kids cheering and shouting my name. I remember it was a great feeling. Yes, it was FUN!
Only a couple of other times have I had that kind of feeling. Once I was singing for a fundraiser at church. I got to sing “Honey Bun” with my husband. Well, I sang and he strutted around the stage in a hula skirt and coconut bra. Maybe it was that nearly 500 people showed up, or that I knew no one was looking at me in my little sailor suit with Tim walking around in his get up, but I sang my heart out and was not a bit nervous. In fact it was fun!
Last night, after our last rehearsal, I was upset because, as usual, I didn’t think I had sounded very good. And I kept being fussed at about not standing closer to the microphone in our last group number. I was kind of distraught and embarrassed.
The other performers are AMAZING and then there is me. Now, I know that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others, but when every one else is so good, it is tough not to be a bit intimidated! And singing for just those other talented folks during this one group rehearsal was also very intimidating. (Quite frankly, I would rather sing for 500 people than for 5!)
So when rehearsal was over and most everyone was gone, I asked my friend, who is the real star of this show, if he was sure he still wanted me to be a part of the performance. I told him the program hadn’t been printed yet and that we could just scratch my song off of the list.
He gave me that “look” and then said, “It’s all just fun! Our two songs are funny and you are funny. Have you heard the recordings of these songs? You sound better than them and you are FUNNY! Just have fun.”
FUN? As scared as I am, how can I have fun? Why does everyone keep talking about fun!!!???
And then I came home to the 10:00 news and real life and all of the things that are so disturbing right now. And I realized what we all need is a little fun. We need to forget the outside world for a couple of hours and just have fun. But how do you forget fear and have fun? I have done it before, but what was the magic switch that took me from “Terror Mode” to “Wow, this is fun!” I am not sure I know.
I know some performers find it in the bottom of a bottle. Some performers find it by pretending to be someone else. Some performers are just confident, although I haven’t really met many of them. ( and I haven’t decided if it is comforting or disturbing to know that most of us are scared before we step out on stage!!) Some find their strength in preparation, others in improvising.
I think it is more fun when I believe. When I believe that I can do it. When I believe that I am meant to be there. When I believe that I was picked to be there because I am liked and trusted. When I believe in myself.
My process has been WAY off on this one and I am definitely a creature of habit. None of my usual procedure has happened due to the nature of this show.
My pre-show pattern is the 3 P’s before the big Performance. I pee, I pace and I pray- I pray a lot! I usually find a prayer partner to pray with me and if I don’t find one, I go it alone. It calms me to pace as I pray for my audience. Yes, I pray for them, not me. I want them to have fun. I want them to see something that makes them feel something. I want them to laugh if possible or cry if necessary. I pray that they find a moment away from their everyday lives and I pray that somehow I can muster up the courage to get out of my way and God’s way and just have FUN! I think He likes it when we have some fun.
So I will spend the afternoon contemplating why, oh why, did I EVER agree to do this. I will warm up my voice and sing other songs that make me happy. I will take a hot bath and get ready to go. I will try to remember that as with most things, it isn’t about me. I will feel so nervous, I’ll get cold and feel sick. I will get so excited that I will be at the theatre way ahead of time. I will pray for strength of voice to sing my best and I will pray for my voice to just go away, so that I can’t go on. (You want honesty!)
And then I will remember that God, in all of His vastness has much more important things happening in the world today than me and my insecurities. And I will humbly be grateful for this chance to do something to make a few people smile and I will try to do my best.
Because in the long run- not matter how I sound, that is all I can do. My best for where I am today. And if I can do my best, I think it will be fun.
