I am currently rehearsing a play where my character is one of five friends who meet up every year for a long weekend in August at the beach. In four scenes we are there at the beach at the age of 44, then the age of 49, then 54, then 77. (Our actual ages are different enough that we are playing with the ages a bit.) We are very close friends who have been through a lot together since we first met in college as members of a swim team. Although I am terrified about doing this play, as I always am, I see it shaping up to be one of my favorite roles.
In order for us to portray such good friends, we have spent some time “fast tracking” a friendship. We have talked some about ourselves through guided discussions. We have talked about our pasts, our most interesting theatre experiences and unusual things about ourselves, among other things. I have found everyone very forthcoming, interesting and funny. It usually takes years to have deep friendships, but since everything in the theatre is heightened, so is the idea of friendship.
I have been so excited to have this process go the way it has so far. We auditioned, got cast and had our first read-through in a matter of a week. Then the director went out of town for 3 weeks and I spent the time writing my “flash cards” of all of my lines which include the cue line on the front and my response on the back. I also included the verb that informs my response at the bottom of the card. Each of the three weeks I took one scene, wrote the cards on Monday, thought about and wrote the verbs on Tuesday and then spent Wednesday through Saturday reading through the whole play, then working on learning that scene’s lines. I didn’t get it all memorized, I just wanted to be really comfortable with the gist of all of the conversations. Each week I did one scene and then we were all back together to get to know each other, talk about our characters and have more read-throughs. This week I have been memorizing longer sections and tomorrow we start blocking. This is the kind of process I learned doing shows in college and it is the first time I have had the luxury of going through my whole process since graduation, even though I have done back to back to back shows!
One of the things we were asked during our meetings was if we had friendships like the ones in the play. I heard everyone say yes and I muttered my agreement, but we really did not discuss them in depth. Later on I really thought about my friendships and how lucky I am to have them. I actually have a group of women I used to go to the beach with every summer, just like in the play. We usually went for longer than a weekend and it was different months each year, but for about 15 years we managed to get away together. Some of the ladies are a bit older than I am, and a couple of them are quite a bit younger, but I loved spending time with each of them. Two of my closest friends in the group bought a condo at the beach so we had a set place to go, but eventually a third party made them sell it. About that time they became grandmothers and our trips became harder and harder to plan. Eventually I went back to college and the trips stopped altogether. We are still friends and we have settled for lunch once a month. On Mother’s Day, as I walked to the car to go to lunch with my family, I saw an envelope on the back porch with my name on it. I opened it up to find not only a beautiful card, but pictures of me and my son when he was in first grade (he is now 27!) My friend had left them there for me (she had been one of Jon’s teachers) and it brought a tear to my eye and a smile to my heart.
And I realized that is what friendship is. A history with another person. A shared past. An understanding of what makes someone else happy and doing what you can to make that other person smile. It is being there when you are needed, even if you haven’t gotten to talk in a while.
Another group of friends of mine have never gone to the beach with me, but we meet for lunch when we can. We have raised our boys together and we go to the same church. We have gone through many stages of life, been through our kids childhood and teenage years, through our own changes in jobs and lifestyles. We have gone through weddings and funerals. We have made meals for each other and held each others’ hands during sad times, and laughed so hard we thought we might get thrown out of the restaurant where we always meet. The last time we got together for lunch in our usual spot, we put our purses on the booth in the corner. When we came back from ordering we saw a reserved sign on it so we moved. Later on, 5 much older women sat in the booth, chatting away. One of my friends told me later that she wanted our group of 4 to be more regular with our lunch dates and have our own “special booth” to come to when we are older. I hope we are all still around to do that!!
So yes, I have my group(s) of special friends that I count on. I count on them to laugh with me, cry with me, pray with me and just be with me. We have our phases when we just can’t get together and our times when we see each other a lot. It makes no difference, we just pick up where we were, fill each other in and move on- together. I never feel like I am as good of a friend to them as they are to me. I get wrapped up in a play, being someone else for that process, and time gets away from me. I want to be a great friend, but I know I fall short. When I can bolster them up in some way, doing something useful for them, it is the best feeling!
The cast of a show gels or it doesn’t. You get very close, or you do the work and that’s it. When it all comes together, the show is better for it and you plan to get together again after the show is over. But usually you don’t. If you are lucky you do another show together some time down the road. It is definitely a moment in time, a moment you hold on to in your memory. A feeling you hope to replicate and so you do another show. It is a fleeting thing, it happens and then it is over. And even if you get together in a different play, it isn’t the same because you are on to a new show, a new character, a new dynamic, a new relationship. Like most things in the theatre it is real for a time, and then it isn’t.
Real friendship lasts. It survives a difference of opinion, it survives time and distance. I made real friendships with some of my classmates in the last 4 years, but as the group I started with graduates this year, I know I won’t see many of them ever again. But I will remember them, I will miss them, and if I ever do see them again, I hope we can pick up where we left off.
My best friend (other than Tim and Jon) moved away, but we keep in touch, go to the beach sometimes and meet in each others’ city when we can. He has a new relationship and I have been super busy, but we try to talk when we can. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think about him and wish we lived closer to each other. The distance doesn’t change how we feel, though.
Friendship is different with each person, but a real friendship is always there for you, whether it be just a thought or an actual presence. Even when the person dies, you feel their friendship. All of the gorgeous hydrangeas in my front yard were planted by my friend Julia, who died years ago. Every morning this time of year, when I cut an arrangement and bring them inside, she is with me, smiling about the fact that for once I have not killed these plants! I have made sure to water them like she taught me and I cut them when I should. I share them with the church and the neighborhood and I know she would love that. They are her bushes, they are her to me.
I am glad to be part of a play celebrating friendship, the kind of friendship that makes you laugh and cry, fight and love. The kind that lasts, even past death. The kind that matters.
