When I made the decision to go back to college, it was out of fear. I wanted to get back on stage, but I was scared. I was afraid of failing at the one thing I had thought my entire life that I was destined to do. It had been a long time since I had performed and I wasn’t sure what to do. If I failed, then what did I have left?
So I went back to school. As hard as that was and as scary as it seemed, I thought it would give me a safe place to work on my plans and give me the confidence to then move on from there.
School turned out to be even scarier than I thought it would be, but also more wonderful. Instead of giving me lots of confidence, in many ways it tore what little confidence I had away. But I persevered and that was what made me have the strength to keep going after graduation. I auditioned fearlessly. (Not really! I was terrified each time, but I went out there and scared myself a lot!) I did eight shows in the year and a half after graduation.
It has been over 2 years since I did a show. I was busy writing reviews, so I have not performed. A big part of my reason for giving up being a critic is to get back on stage. But after such a long break, I am back to being scared again.
I decided that in 2017 I was going to just follow where life led and not try so hard to have plans for everything. To see what God has in store instead of trying to map out each move I make ahead of time. For a planner like me, this has been hard.
Actually, it has been almost impossible. I have made plans secretly and I have lost sleep over not having enough planned. I have struggled with what to do next, since I saw nothing just presenting itself to me. And then the little bit of planning I had done to make myself feel better got swept aside and opportunities have presented themselves.
So I am going with the flow, I am letting new and scary possibilities take me to where I didn’t expect to go. And then in church today, with a totally different context in mind I am sure, I heard the words, “Operate from a place of faith, not fear.” It was one of those times that I thought, “Why, oh why do you find it necessary to single me out in your sermons?? Pick on someone else today!!” (I know others feel that way, too. That I am indeed NOT being singled out. Right??)
So my plans are gone, my “year of living dangerously” has started and I will try to operate with faith, putting my fears on hold for now.
I have a friend from school who is now living in Indonesia and she takes more risks and tries more adventurous things than I would even consider. I am not going that far! But for me, I am being adventurous and seeing what happens.
I know I will have to write along the way to keep my courage up. I will need to put the fear out there to keep it from getting to me. Faith is never an easy thing.
