I am a worrier. I know we aren’t supposed to worry. I know worrying doesn’t help anything or change anything. (I do have to say that sometimes when I worry about something I come up with a plan to make things better through that worry so I think maybe a small amount might be OK!) Right now I am worried about something important. I can not change it through my worry, I am not making it any better and I am not helping the situation, but I can not seem to stop myself. And this is big enough that I worry almost constantly. I almost titled this post “Worry”, but realized that the main thing bothering me is not the thing that I am worrying about or even the fact that I am consumed with worry- it is the doubt this situation and worry has brought with it.
It is not helping matters that I lost two friends last month or that the job I thought I had for this month has fallen through. It seems to just be piling up. But all of this has made me doubt myself, my life and above all God. Yes, I said it. I am doubting God. I am not just doubting what He is doing, but if He even exists. I am not one of those people whose faith gets stronger when tough times come around. I think that is remarkable when I see it. When hard things happen I want answers that almost never come.
And prayer!? Not being raised in any church, my prayer life has always been suspect in my eyes. I made a promise to God when I was in high school that if He let me do this one thing I would pray every night. I was so naive and I did not know that you don’t bargain with God. I got the thing I asked for, so although I know now that was not really praying, but treating God like a magic genie, I have kept my end of the bargain and I have prayed every night for 40 years. I have taken lots of book and Bible studies and prayer becomes more confusing with each one. At the end of some studies I have seen women use their “prayer requests” as an excuse to gossip. As long as you are asking for prayer for a situation you can talk about it as much as you want. That so turned me off that I am no longer in women’s groups at church and I try to only take studies with clergy as the leader.
I know we can’t pray for “stuff.” My childish prayers asking for things as if I got my wishes just for asking, were selfish. Some people think God cares about every little thing, others think He only should be bothered with the big stuff. I have seen prayers answered, I have seen them ignored. If God would let a wonderful person die, why is He going to grant anything else I might ask?? And I know that others say he didn’t “let” someone die, but if He is all knowing and all powerful, why didn’t He do something? Does He sometimes and not others? In the last book study I took, the author speaks of being in a car wreck without a seat belt. He feels he was “saved” for a reason. Was he? Why him and not someone else?
So how do I ask for something that means so much to me when I am so unsure about everything right now? How do I ask when I am afraid to seem greedy? How do I ask when I am so afraid to be ignored? I have tried to be thankful in all things and just say thank you for what I have, leaving the rest up to God. I have tried to be bold and just ask for what I want. I have tried getting on my knees and pleading. I have tried feeling sure that it will all work out in the end, just as it should. But does it?? Really??
I think the doubt is worse than the worry. When I start to think that maybe there is no God, I nearly hyperventilate! No God? This is all random?!? I feel like Sandra Bullock hurtling through space in “Gravity” when I think such a thing. But how am I supposed to feel when young, devout people die and very old people who no longer know where or who they are live on? How am I supposed to feel when everything I believe- that doing the right thing gets you somewhere, hard work pays off, and things turn out for the best- turns out to be untrue. And in the midst of all of this, can I pray for understanding? To whom do I pray? And how?? Are we punished when we don’t act right? Are we punished at all for anything? Everything?? And if everything turns out perfectly, was that God or happenstance? Why should it turn out for me and not everyone else??
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. For three years I was not able to immerse myself in Lent as I had in the past because of school. Last year my directing project was performed during holy week so I missed it all. My play was spiritual in nature so I convinced myself I was where I needed to be, doing what I needed to be doing. Now I wonder- was I?? I have decided to immerse myself in Lent one more time. I will attend all of the services, I have worked out a disciplined plan for the 40 days, and I will study and pray the best I know how. As part of the plan I will blog my thoughts and at the end of the time, on Easter, I will see how I feel, what I think, and where I am in my journey. I am worried, of course, about where the journey might lead this time, how my doubt will color the process and what might happen. For many reasons the next 40 days will be a turning point for me and my family. I will try to put the doubt aside and we will see what happens.
