For several years, I had two friend that I went to the beach with. The three of us have been friends for about 27 years now and our beach trips are some of my fondest memories.
One of the great things about these trips is that we realized we are all individuals and although we are close, that doesn’t mean that we are joined at the hip. We understand and admire each others’ differences.
When I am at the beach, I want to be ON THE BEACH! I am not a morning person, but at the beach I tend to go to bed earlier and rise a tad earlier than at home just because the sun wears me out and then I am excited to get back out there the next day.
My two fair haired friends, who are morning people, are not so enthusiastic about being in the heat, fighting off the sand or getting as much sun as I am. An hour or two on the actual beach was always plenty for them, although I wanted to stay out from around 10am until the sun was setting in the west.
I am fine on the beach alone. I love to watch people, take short walks, stick my toes in the water, read, and daydream. Looking out at the water I feel more creative and thoughtful than anywhere else in the world. A short visit from my friends was always nice at some point, and then I was happy as a clam to just rest on the sand by myself.
My friends wanted to explore the gift shops and look at real estate. They would get in the car and head out while I stayed on the beach relaxing. In the evening after we had all showered and dressed, we would go out for dinner, excited to share what we had seen and dreamed during the day.
I never once felt left out of what they were doing. They never once got upset that I wanted to forgo their adventures to have adventures of my own. We respected that we are three very different people who wanted to travel together but wanted to see and do different things once we were there.
My two friends have become grandmas and finding a time to get together has become nearly impossible, so it has been several years since we have been able to take one of our infamous beach trips. And that is OK too.
We are experiencing different phases of our lives and when we do get to spend time together we have so much to say, so much to share. We cherish any moments we find to have a quick lunch and share stories or gather in my den for a glass of wine and laughter.
My husband Tim and I now try to slip off to the beach together once a year or so, although I know that Tim really doesn’t like the beach. The whole reason I began going with my friends is because he really didn’t care about going to the beach and leaving him home while I went off with my friends was fine by him. He is a good egg to notice when I am starting to wither and he takes me to the beach so that I perk back up.
On these trips with Tim, I still spend my time on the sand alone, which I don’t mind. The small visit I might get from Tim is not even as long as the one I used to get from my friends. The rest of the time that I am sunning, Tim goes off on his bike to explore or gets some work done on his computer on the balcony.
In the evenings when we go to eat, we can come together and talk about our day. Having had different things happen to us during the day makes for a richer conversation that evening.
One day during the trip we usually shop at the outlet mall, but even then we park and Tim heads one direction to look for more tennis shoes and socks that look just like what he already has and I go the opposite way to look for purses and dresses that are different from what I have at home. When we meet back at the car we can show each other what we bought and see who found the biggest bargain.
As much as I have blogged here about Tim and our relationship, I don’t think we would be as close if we didn’t give each other room to breathe. No one person can be someone else’s everything. That is too much pressure and an impossible ask of someone. We all have different interests and dreams. We all have different tolerance for the sun, different amounts of time we want to read and different things we want to accomplish. That is what makes a relationship interesting.
If I went to the races with Tim, I would make him miserable I feel sure. I would be bored and he would have to waste time trying to make me happy. So he goes without me and I can’t wait for him to return and tell me about his trip.
I love meaningful, artsy movies and hate violence. Tim loves “shoot ’em up” movies. So sometimes we see movies by ourselves. I love solitude and quiet and can go days without speaking to anyone, Tim likes to talk. So he goes to work with the youth at our church and I stay home and read. In the quiet. All alone. He goes to the races and I stay home. In the quiet. All Alone. And when we go to the beach, sometimes he rides his bike and I stay on the sand. Listening to the waves. All alone.
Being different makes life fun. It brings different facets to our lives. It makes things contentious sometimes, it makes things interesting all of the time. I can not expect any one human being to share all of my interests and want all of the same things I want all of the time. Stepping apart makes the being back together better. Letting each other be who they need and want to be is what makes us work as a couple. Tim having racing buddies doesn’t diminish what he and I have, just as going to the beach with my girlfriends doesn’t take away anything from our relationship.
Tim and I are two very different people. During a podcast he was on last week he was asked if opposites attract and he said they must. He said that although we have the same basic values and morals, we are very different. And we are. And that is OK.
I don’t think you can be a couple if you need “completing”. A couple should be two very complete people who have found someone they want to spend time with. Not all of their time, but most of it. If you are still trying to find yourself, you are not going to find “you” in someone else. If you need someone to be there for every breath you take maybe you need to reevaluate what you need a partner for. Because someone else isn’t going to fix you or save you.
Tim has been fine with me going off to college, going to do plays and going on trips with my friends as long as I always come home to him. And I always will. I am fine with him going to the races, going with the youth to work on houses in Memphis and going to scary movies as long he comes back to tell me all about it. I know he always will. I have no fear or doubt about that.
Most creative people have to go off to create. They need space to write or to paint. They have to go on tour to sing or go on location to film a movie. They need space to dream and to listen to the world around them. Without people in their lives who were willing to let them wander off sometimes, to listen to the crashing of the waves, to observe the world around them in silence, most creative people would be stifled and unfulfilled. Having a partner who understands that makes for a better relationship.
Being different isn’t just a good thing, it is a fact. We are all different. Learning to live with those differences is difficult sometimes, but learning to let go and let the differences lead you away sometimes makes the coming together all the sweeter. Being different together works for us as long as we respect those differences.
Sometimes I just have to be different alone. Mostly I can’t imagine not being different together.
