I am always so upset when at my advanced age I am confused about life and have no answers. I always hope that we are all confused and just trying to do the best we can. I make myself feel better by saying we are all equally perplexed, I am just the only one crazy enough to put it out there for everyone to read! I often think that everyone else seems to have it all together, but I deep down hope that it is because while I do my acting on stage, others do their acting in their everyday life. That others are just as confused as I, they just hide it better! Or maybe I just don’t see the cracks in everyone else’s armor as easily as I see the caverns in mine!
I do watch people and carefully listen to what others say. I look people in the eye when I talk to them and I really listen. I see so many people looking around, checking their phone or displaying what we call “pillow face” during a conversation. (One of my professors told me about pillow face. She said it was when you could tell a student’s mind was back in bed instead of in class listening!) I think about conversations I have, long after the talking is over. Every night before I go to bed I try to think about what I accomplished that day and what I glaringly did wrong. If I don’t have several small victories I am upset, but my screw ups no longer bring me down like they used to. I try to learn the lessons from my mistakes and chalk it up to being human. I mentally kick myself several times a day and on occasion I pat myself on the back. Today I found myself looking at the ring Tim had made for my graduation, rubbing it to remind myself that I have my moments of accomplishment, even while I question so many things in my life.
I am fortunate to have a great husband and kid. I get to do so many fascinating things. But I personally see so much I can do internally to be a better person. However, in the past few years it seems that so many of the things I was raised to think of as positive characteristics are the exact things that keep me in hot water. I can not share all of it here. Partly because it would take me forever and partly because I am in hot water enough without dragging certain things back up.
I try really hard to be punctual and to always do what I say I will do. I learned in college that doing all of your work in a timely manner means that you do extra work because when students complain these days, teachers will call off tests or delay the due date on projects. I have several papers in my office now that I wrote and never turned in because the instructor “changed their mind” after I had already done it. Procrastination seems to pay sometimes, but that is something I just don’t know that I can change about myself.
More fundamentally though, I am a doer. I am what used to be called a “go-getter.” When I was told no, I found a way to turn it into a yes. When others let me down, I merely picked up the torch and continued on. There was a point in school that I seriously thought I was either going to flunk or possibly just quit because of being chastised for being too much of a doer, trying too hard to make sure things got done. I remember being in shock. I remember thinking that was what had made me a success before. I still shake my head about that.
I like hard work. I don’t do well with situations where I think I am going to work and everyone sits around talking the majority of the time. Committees are the worst. Just do the job. Don’t talk about it for weeks, just do it! Don’t tell me we are getting together to do something and then plan to have tea and crumpets for the first 2 hours. If you want to have a party, say so. Don’t hide it in pretense. I get up everyday and have a list of things I want to get done. Before college I used to have to make myself take a break. I started a ritual of a glass of wine and Oprah every afternoon from 4-5. Otherwise I would never stop. At 5 break time was over- I began cleaning the kitchen and preparing dinner. When I went back to school I of course, gave up Oprah (she retired on me anyway) and postponed my wine for later in the evening. During the day at school I always read or studied or found a practice room whenever I had a free minute. Rarely did I even eat during my school day. Now that I am back at home I have stayed pretty busy and had found nothing to make me stop and take a break. A week or so back I found the game Candy Crush, but that is usually only a 5-10 minute break because I am awful at it and lose all of my lives quickly! But it is a small respite from whatever project I am working on, whatever lines I am learning or whatever research I am doing. I am a workaholic. I was raised to think hard work was a positive attribute.
The thing I take the most pride in is the fact that I am honest. I try to tell the truth, I try to represent how I feel and what I know in a truthful way. I share with you, my readers, the truth even when I am embarrassed or unsure. I try to be honestly happy, sad, angry or delighted. I laugh openly and weep in public. If I know something I will share it, if I am unsure I will say so and if I am wrong I will own up. I say “I do not know” easily and often. I will not make up an answer to appear smart. If something moves me I will say so and if I feel nothing you will know it. I am often called out because what I feel is usually written all over my face. Again, I guess I should work harder to cover up my emotions, after all I am a trained actress! But I honestly think I am supposed to act on stage, not off. In day to day life I think I am supposed to feel true emotions.
Whenever I try to do the right thing and I get “in trouble” for it I come home and scratch my head. I do enough wrong things out of ignorance or just plain mistakes that I don’t need to be made to feel badly about the things I thought I was doing right! And how old do you have to be before you are even sort of secure in what you are doing?? When did punctuality, hard work, honesty, and openness become such liabilities. And when will I quit coming home confused about life??
