All I heard growing up were negative things- how stupid I was, how ugly I was, how untalented I was. Even now when I ask my parents about that, and I do, I get “Oh, we could not let you get the big head!” So to me, having the “big head” is a capital offense, punishable by death! Even once thinking you look nice or you did good is a thing to quickly stop lest you “get the big head.” If every person I ran across from now on told me I was cute or smart or talented, I still would not believe them or get that big head my parents were so worried about.
Today, I had a very triumphant day. I was picked to be the playwright in a group project, I was complimented on being precise and punctual by the head of the department, I had lots of positive affirmation in history, and friends stopped me to hug on me and love on me a lot during the day.
This afternoon I had to do another master class, a time where all of the voice students of my professor get together to perform and then be critiqued by the instructor. We write comments about our fellow students that are shared later in individual lessons. I try to go first so I can relax and enjoy the other performances so today when she asked for someone to go first I waited a few seconds and when no one else offered I said I would go. She told me no, that someone else had to go first. In fact, she said I had to go last!!
So I watched these amazing and talented kids. After the first one she said she was going to change it up and WE had to give verbal comments and suggestions to the others. Well, I can’t do that! I do not want to say anything that might hurt someone and give them the feelings I suffered all of those years. I said little but my mind kept thinking, if they can find so much wrong with these talented kids, what are they going to do to me? I was terrified! With each new student I was more and more worried!
At last it was my turn. I got up and did my little number, a rather sexy little song that I used a hankie to dance and gesture with. At the end I wanted to run out of the room and cry. I just knew they were ready to crucify me. One guy, the most serious and rehearsed one there who had made the most comments all afternoon, raised his hand and I thought, “OK, here we go!” He said, “I am glad she went last- we saved the best for last!” and he went on to talk about the performance in the most positive way. In such a way that I am still shocked about it!
The girl next to him agreed and went on even more. The next girl said, “She’s just so CUTE!” Finally, the teacher asked for more comments and the guy on the end said, “I can’t really add anymore!” And I said, “What? You don’t think I’m cute!?” Of course I told him I was kidding and if you have followed this blog you KNOW I was kidding!
After we were done and walking out, I kept wondering who had paid them off to say those things. I realized I was being ridiculous! The first guy to comment was walking out and he said “Have a good weekend!” I said “You too! And thanks for what you said!” His reply was, ” I only say what I mean!”
So I am in a great mood and ready for a great weekend. If I know me, it won’t last long but it is nice for now!
